Heaven just got brighter

its 2:18 am friday morning, ive been trying to avoid writtin this blog rite now as i Have to be up early, but after 2 solid hours of crying what else can I do to release this pain. So humble it may be to some, but to me, its hurts....alot.

Today at work, what a good day at work it was to, I have just been sick for 4 days, so it was good to get back to a normal pace. It was a good day today at work.....

My mom called me after work...it was decided, our family cat of 13 years was going to be put down today...he was getting a serious case of gaingreen*sp* and pretty much had liver and kidney failure. He wasnt the same cat. My lil zander...the cat i held in the pet store like a baby the day we got him....mom went thru the paper work and he stared up at me the whole time with bright gold eyes, always searching my face for answers. As he lived with us, he got all the answers he needed. He was loved, cherished and spoiled. I can atleast say he lived a good life. I thought I would be better about this, I prepared myself for it. Now here I am crying in my room, my heart feels like its being ripped from my chest in small amounts. I keep saying dont cry but its just not that simple....not that simple at all. He was taken out to my uncles farm, he put him to sleep pretty much the same way vets did. I didnt go out there, I cudnt follow.....

Christmas day will be at my moms this year....but he wont be....my little zander....In the end his eyes were no longer him, Im not to sure what was left of him. We do this so they dont suffer, its a decision we make but its one that is never easy and one that rarely ever comes without tears.

The one thing I hate so much....he was taken to the farm, 20 minutes away....he is buried in a field in the middle of nowhere...snow covered....he wont be able to find us....his spirit will be lost, how can he watch us at home now, how can he watch ryley get bigger, the ONLY child he EVER let touch him...I guess there is nothin else I can really write about....I guess it was just somthin I had to get off my chest, as I knew the nite would be the time. well then I got lucky I guess, many people dont get to say final goodbyes....

so i picked him up kissed him on his head, held him to my cheeck an told him i loved him and would miss him.....many times...put him in the cat carrier and my brother came to collect him...that was that...as this point..well im sure you get the rest....R.I.P my lil prince cat, I will miss you so much...find my grandma up there, she will now be the lap you sit on, and I promise hers is just as warm as all of ours was down here...I love you...

Zander Beck

August 27 1998 - December 11 2008

.......Heaven just got brighter......

Love blabber

Love....*smirk* even thru my dark moments, my scary times of writting, my lonley ambitions andmy startling discoverys, I will always return...to love....

Why do we crave such an essence with another person? Is it that important to be loved by someone else? I personally dont believe so, however I have been loved, and felt rather smothered. Does this make me oblivious to love, or was it truly not the right kind. I say not the rite kind, im seeking a love, im not gonna sit and wait for it tho. I just kno its out tehre. And i kno that when i gaze upon him for the first time, when i see his chest raise and fall with life, when i hear his voice carry itself to me, when i see ever curve of his body turn to me, thats when I will kno its love. Its funny, i already kno who you are, i just dont have a clue who you are. Thats rather funny I think. I will kno what i see you, and i only pray Im not passing you everyday in my life. A falme of a candle burns as long as its alowd to...Ill love and seek as long as im allowed to. I feel like that flame, hot to the touch, I can burn easily, but i can be extingushed with just the righty blow. No one wants to hurt, it human nature to hurt. I wont be like the other girls, I will find u, im not gonna waste my time on useless romances, I kno your there i trulyu kno your rite around the corner....wich corner tho...? Its like i kno you already and im greatly missing you, as it i havnt seen you in years, my love once my love disapeared and is comming home to my heart. Will you be my last, My first, my forever? I greatly believe in love at first sight, but I only beleive in that cause it means I loved you in my past lives and that frozen love has passed on thru time. This maybe my greatest weekness , this love thing. I will stand up for everything i believe in, I will protect those i love, but my greatest problem is seeing and believing in this thing called love. thats y i fear so much that u will pass right over me and I wont see you...but still i believe u will do somthing to prove that I do love you....I write this as if your actually reading them....lol...if you are....for gods sake say somthing! ok I think im done now...

Find me, Find me, Find me

How did I get here....this sad excuse for which I breath my days away...My days will be endless and this is not the way I wish for them to be. So sad this repetitive sad excuse for my existence, having to hide...no having to store away who I really am...what I really am. Smile thru the thousand tears, stand up tall thru these unbreakable years. This life has made my true existence a fake, I pretend a show for all to admire. If only they could all understand, some day this won't be me,..someday I will awaken, my true self, my former self. Ive become aware of its existence sleeping within me, I just haven't regained the ideals on how to wake it up! When Ur sleeping with in yourself, and the life Ur living now keeps u subdued, and somewhat happy, how do u wake up Ur miserable existence that will take you away from the happiness? but you have no choice to do so. If you don't, u slowly destroy yourself , u slowly kill yourself even tho ur to live for much longer. How do I wake myself up , that part of me that wants to stay in slumber, but craves to awake and breath again.

Find me......I know your out there, and only recently u have felt my existence, the only one your looking for....I'm not talking soul mate I'm talking about a living existence that your already in, the one you want to drag myself into. You wont need to drag, ill follow. I feel obsolete in this life, I cant even explain what I have been feeling for the past 3-6 months, this power inside me, wanting to burst, like its time to let the world know of our existence, but I cant yet, not till your with me. Find me....Your so close, I know you are, I can feel it. My dreams....no ..my nightmares are telling me your close, find me.... I don't want to live this existence anymore, I'm ready to go, no not die, but to live. You have no idea how long Ive waited, or maybe you do, maybe you have been waiting longer. How many centuries has this hidden existence of mine been sleeping, how long have you been trying to wake it. have I met you in every life, and not soon enuf if , is that why I'm still repeating this life and death cycle? Sometimes when I think like this, I believe I'm going crazy, but everyday it gets stronger and stronger, deep down to my soul, no even beyond that if there is such a place, i know I'm meant for more then this "human" life. The world is over tomorrow....we don't have many years here left, the humans have ruined there chances, find me before it ends. I can live thru the world ending but I don't want to go thru the world rebuilding as I am now. My heart calls to u, so deeply its become a whisper. When I feel the wind blow suddenly I look around, as if there was a message in it, calling my name that I didn't recognize. When the rain falls now I imagine it the tears that we have felt thrue the centuries of us not being together. When the snow covers the ground, when its all white and pure, I feel like that's the emptiness that we are both feeling. Where are you...why haven't you found me yet? how long do you plan on living your existence without me? Please don't think I'm not ready ,....i am...i really am. Ive saved as much of myself for you, come save me from myself.....

Everything is changing...but you are the truth, my truth. loves have come and gone, hurt me, and been hurt by me....even so this proves more of my sadly lived life here that shouldn't be. Don't get me wrong, there are people in this life that I would die for, that I would do anything for, this is why you need to find me, so I can save them....

Don't worry, I've always remembered what you said to me, even tho i don't remember you, I remember....

"...Don't cry, your not allowed to, its a weakness, you have to be stronger for everyone else, stronger then everyone else...."

"...Don't let anybody kno who you really are, what really is sealed in your soul...that's for us and only us..."

"...don't give yourself to anyone, that's a a sacred right that is for our existence only...."

"....Don't fall in love, its harder to let it go, and it will hurt u, and you become hard. sadly u will be living that life and you will fall in love and u will get hurt, for this I am sorry..."

"And when you feel like your dieing, or that ur existence is meaningless, you will begin to awaken, and that's when I will start searching for you..."


Sadly I did break one of those taboos, I fell in love a few times, I was hurt and I did become hard, tho I never have to worry about falling in love again. I know where my heart goes, I know where its true purpose belongs to.

There isn't anything in this world that I want more then for you to show up at my door. I looked to the skies, to the empty fields to the long roads and feel for your presence, listen for your voice and breath the air for your scent. When , how much longer....I'm sitting in my lil house, on my street,,...alone...always when I'm alone, its you I'm always thinking of. In moments of silence when no one is listening I send a silent prayer that you might hear, and then you will find me. Does my voice reach you, when I laugh can u hear it, when I cry can you feel that pain, for I rarely cry. Can you give me a small hint as to what I can do to help you get closer? Find me.....find me....find me...

there is nothing I want more,

Then for you, to show up and say that you found me....My existance, my life and my soul will finally become one....Find me....Just find me...

VAMPIRE HEART -random Chapter

This is a random chapter from my new book "Vampire Heart". Comment me what you think k! PLease try to ignore grammar and spelling mistakes lol i tried to get them all, thats not really my strong point hehehe, enjoy!



After the fight was over I took large breath to calm my nerves, what had just happened? Lillian had called me on, one of Kaname’s elite guards, and she threatened me, how could she?! And what’s worst off is the fact that when Lillian said she wish she could hit me it was more like a request from Kaname then a bold statement, and he neatly smiled and walked away as if you say it was ok. Who did that guy think he was? So what if he was some sort of a king, he wasn’t MY king! This is the 2000’s no one follows rules by a king anymore. None the less, Lillian understood him and made the swing for my head, I don’t even know how I fought back but I did, ending the fight with her body slammed against the closed door of my bathroom, Probably scared the shit out of whoever was inside. How did I win this though, how did I get an elite guard in my hands, elite huh? What did that actually entitle strength wise? Maybe it’s nothing more than a title for these people. These people.....who are these people...that question again in my mind, I look at kaname’s face for an answer but just as quickly as it surfaces kaname’s face and expression makes it disappear. I turn my attention back to Lillian who is still being held against the door by me.

“I said stop it Lillian, yes these guests are an unexpected invite and really shouldn’t be here, but don’t you dare spill any useless blood in my house, I don’t care how high and mighty you are, and how much you must follow kaname’s direction, this is my house and my city, here we don’t follow kings and such, so therefore if you are in my house you will follow my rule! Are we clear on this” I said while giving her one more little forceful push against the door. Even though I had her in my hands, I fully believed that she could turn this around and kill me within seconds. I did not fear Lillian, not at all, in fact she intrigued me, but the truth be told, it was the man standing behind me, Lillian’s captain, zero and naturally zeros brother, king, Kaname.

“It’s clear, now let me go! “She said while throwing my hand off with an ease. She stepped toward my face, as if to challenge me again. I could see the anger in her eyes, that she had simply just been humiliated by me in front of strangers, her fellow guards, her captain and of course her king. After finally gazing me down for a few more seconds she shoved pass me, hard enough that it hurt my shoulder. What and attitude I thought. This is the kind of people this king has for guards then maybe I’m surprised he is still alive, then again how many fights does he get into. But then there is the question of the 3 intruders, once they saw Kaname they knew who he was and each fell to a knee as one would do when greeting there king. A king...the king of what? I looked up at Kaname, he had this superficial grin on his face, suddenly it made my blood boil, who the hell did he think he was! First trying to court me then allowing his oh so special guard to attack me, not even trying to stop her! What was his issue? I was enraged! How dare he, how dare he play such mind games with me, how dare he think that I would sircome to him ever! I felt like almost growling, but instead I did what I was feeling i had no control over my body, I walked up to him and out of nowhere smacked him across the face.

“You asshole! Who the hell do you think you are! Do you always let your guards go around hitting people? There like your little toys that do whatever the hell you want them to, and more over you allow them to do such horrible things! This elite guard of yours, YOUR elite guard, so what, you’re a king! That doesn’t give you any rite to give order to harm people, and what about these 3 here them bowing down to you suddenly! Why are you still smiling you such an ass!!!”
I felt my fist ball up and swear I was going to punch him, but as my hand went back it never came forward, I realized that zero had grabbed my wrist. And he wasn’t being nice about either. He pulled me so my back landed against his chest then with his one arm holding my wrist in the air he use his other arm and wrapped it around my shoulders, holding me so tight that it hurt. I knew that he wasn’t holding me in a seductive way, this was more of killing way, and I could almost feel the murderous intent in the air. I knew I could never take zero on, never in a million years. He just held me there, everyone stood quiet, and my guests were shocked, my friends were mad and ready to jump them but my eye to eye contact with them told them different. I think they knew just as much as I did full well that these people, these elite guards and there king, could kill us!

It partially happened, I let my guard down to a guy, I let him get into my mind and look what’s happened, I may have pretty much let a group of self absorbed serial killers into my house! I finally could no longer stand the silence and began to speak.

“I bet your just some rich kid, from a wealthy family, always been spoiled , paid these people to be your friends, the older of the 2 between you and zero, you got the family fortune, he got nothing more than to follow you like a lost puppy. I bet your nothing more than a womanizer, thinking you can get any girl you want, sure I’m confused why you wanted me, but maybe that’s your intentions, pick on the weak right. You piss me off, your nothing more than a fake, how did your parents raise you to be such a liar!”

I didn’t know it but I had struck a severe nerve with the brothers, and the rest as well, zero tightened his grip around me, Lillian, rusty, and Michael stared at me with absolute shock, obviously what I had just said was way out of line, which part though? I was getting somewhere; I was getting answers, could I push this a little farther before it got real bad? I never did like the phrase “stop while you’re ahead”, but what about the one “stop before your dead?” I chuckled to myself; I want to know what made them so mad, so I took a guess on the last comment, the parents.

“I’m sorry did I make you all upset, don’t scorn the name of the past king and queen, is that it? Really what kind of parents let their son get such a large head he calls himself a king, and even gets others to call him a king? Were you honestly spoiled that much, And why you the king? Let me guess you were the star son and zero didn’t catch up, that’s why you’re playing king and he is only playing captain, Right zero? Sounds like your parents were simply all about hi-class stuff am I right, show off the better of the 2, some parents. Or is it cause you’re not really fully brothers, you look nothing alike, perhaps the king had some affair with a low life women, resulting in you zero, perhaps you were ignored.... I bet you guys had no idea what love really was....” I couldn’t even finish, I had hit the right chord, maybe a little too much.

“Shut up you worthless girl! You have no idea what you’re talking about! You think that you can slander our parents name like that, claiming they had no love for us, you have no idea what happened, you have no idea what we went thru as children, your clueless, talking like that about pureblood royalties will only get you killed!” zero yelled and he began to put his forearm around my neck. He was slowly cutting off my air. Again my friend wanted to jump him but I looked at them again with eyes that said don’t you dare, he will kill all of us. I truly had opened a Pandora’s Box upon the people in my house.

“Zero....let her go...” Kaname said to break the thickened silence, zero immediately release me from his grip and just in time for i was nearly passing out. I coughed a little and looked around, my friends and guests had horrible looks on their faces, and the guards were all standing firm ready to jump at any time. I remembered that Kaname had his katana with him, where was it now I wondered, did he bring it in here for a reason. I realized then that perhaps I did go a little too far, and now everyone was in danger. For some reason though I didn’t care, I didn’t know how I could be so heartless but I wanted to know everything about Kaname, his brother and the people they surround themselves with. And most of all, why they call him there king. Kaname interrupted my deep interrogated thought and forcibly grabbed my arm, he jerked me towards him so I landed face first into his chest, he then took 2 steps and opened the door to my bedroom, swung me around and threw me inside of it and stood in the door way, staring me down. This wasn’t good, his smile was gone, he was very unhappy, the only human in this world I truly feared was him, and I had purposely pissed him off.
“Zero ...”
“Sir?”
“You will not let anyone enter this room while I’m in here, is that understood?” he said while staring at me. He was putting a guard at the door? Wait Kaname was going to lock him and me in here...together? Oh this really wasn’t good, not at all, did I piss him off that much? Was he going to hurt me, rape me? Kill me? NOW was the time I wanted one of my friends to call the police, but I knew those damn guards would never allow it, even without giving a single order Kaname and them all thought alike and followed everything Kaname tells them.

“sire, or course sir, I won’t let anyone disturb you” zero said as he looked at me with a satisfying look, as if to say, you’re getting what you deserve wench. And with that he closed the door on me and Kaname. Kaname took a step towards me, not uttering a word, my room was small, and so I was already up against my bed. With only a few more steps we were face to face, even though he was nearly a whole foot taller them me, I didn’t take my eyes off of his. Even though I was scared beyond compare, I wasn’t going to show him that. He had shown me nothing but kindness up to this point, but everyone knows there are 2 sides to each fence, I guess I had always been on the nice newly painted clean side, only god knew what was on the other, maybe this even had nothing to do with god anymore.

Next thing I knew I was shoved onto the bed, it was such a shock that I couldn’t even try not to fall and landed on my back, suddenly Kaname was leaning over me, straddling me, one leg between mine, he forcefully grabbed both my hands with just his one and forcefully held them above my head, his strength was un match able, I couldn’t believe something like this was happening to me. I could hear my friends outside the door begging zero to let them in, I could tell he didn’t have to say anything to them to let them know his answer. This was really really bad, I needed to fight, I knew that, I needed to get away but my body was being held down, no my body was frozen, as much as I knew I had to get out of there, my body wasn’t responding, what was he thinking, I could never tell what he was thinking, I could only hope that it was something that wouldn’t hurt me. He brought his face to mine, his dark eyes staring at my eyes, no not at them, more like thru them, rich kid, king or personality complex, it didn’t matter, this guy had power that I was sure of. His lips were so close to mine, close enough that all I had to do was almost breath and they would touch, thank god I was to afraid to even take a breath at that moment.

“Your rather brave girl, first attempting a fight with Lillian, then insulting zero and myself while zero his holding you, and more over making a bad name on our parents. That’s the thing about you foolish people, you never think before you speak. If I was you, I would be careful what grounds you’re treading on, you never know who the land belongs to. “

“ Kaname, I never called Lillian on, I asked her to leave those guests alone, she didn’t listen and was going to attack them, you were going to let her, I had to do something.” I was ok, I was keeping my cool, and Conversation was the best answer to this problem right now.

“Those guests were uninvited and the guards job was not to let anyone in the house that wasn’t invited in, those were your words to them. They acknowledged that and followed through.”

“I never said I wanted people killed, and over all they knew who you were but she was still going to hurt them, and when I tried to stop her all she wanted to do was to hit me.....and you.....and you......and you let her, you allowed her to attack me, what’s wrong with you?”

I was getting all boiled up again, I was getting mad, mad at him for allowing it, mad at him for making me feel safe and then not, mad at him for him being able to attack my straight sense of thinking.


“Susan....you couldn’t of hurt Lillian in the least bit, and frankly she could’ve snapped you like a twig, but she knew what she was doing, she let you win, she knew there was nothing more she could do, she would never be allowed to harm you. THAT was MY orders, regardless of that, you stepped over when you spoke of my family in such a disrespectable manner, you should truly get your facts straight, or maybe not speak from emotions. You’ve sort of upset me.....and now here you are being pinned to your bed by my body and you’re trembling ever so slightly. I must say I become more and fonder of you every day, you never seize to amaze me, but you actually have the power to upset me, how intriguing. I hope it’s not a death wish you have fore I would be sad to lose such a charismatic one such as yourself.”

“Kaname...I’m sorry I never meant to make you Mad., it’s just...It was like you didn’t care that she attacked me, like it was sport for you to watch. I’m sorry I disrespected your family, i needed to get answers, get some sort of rise out of you so what is it you want me to think, you’re a man claiming to be a king with a 3 guards and a prince for a captain, these things don’t happen. why would you let that happen, me attacking Lillian, I don’t even like violence and to be honest that’s like the real first fight I’ve even been in and I didn’t even truly win if she gave up on her own. Why are you playing this mind game with me, I rather you just leave me alone if that’s the case, I won’t be one of your toys.”

“HAHA oh Susan, there is so much you need not to know, not yet anyways, you have to admit, this all has made this night very interesting wouldn’t you say. And I promise you my dear I am not playing mind games with you. You yourself are turning it into that. And I assure you I am a king and zero is a prince and those guards out there could kill and army of 300 men in minutes, so best not to temper them. “

I lied there silent, staring at him, was he telling the truth, were they THAT dangerous, to honestly be able to kill, and to kill that many in one shot, well, there is no way they could be ....human.... I was no longer intrigued; i was petrified, i wanted out of the room, out of that house right then.

I could feel myself wanting to cry, but i held it in. I felt like i was a little puppy, being trained by a cruel master, this wasn’t fair, i hated him, but even as i thought that, it didn’t stop kaname’s lips from suddenly pressing against mine. He forced his tongue into my mouth and against my better judgement my tongue answered to his. Why was i doing this, why was i allowing him to keep toying with me, like a damn puppet on a string. He continued to hold my arms with one hand, while the other suddenly made its way to the bottom edge of my shirt. He wasn’t thinking anything crazy I hope. I couldn’t even get another thought in when suddenly his hand was on my skin, his whole hand caressing my side. To my shock, his hands were freezing, as if they had just come out of the freezer. I took in a sharp breath, that area was sensitive enough even without cold hands.

“Kaname....your hand is freezing, it’s like you just walked in from playing in snow....”
“Is that so, my apologies for not warning you, but I think this way it makes you more agitated don’t you think...”

He returned his lips to mine, his hand ever so slowly caressing my bare skin, his hand never got warmer and the Goosebumps never went away. He loosened his grip on my hands and I freed one, but instead of what I wanted it to do (push him off) it went to his side and clung to his shirt under his open coat. His tongue continued to explore the inner depth of my mouth, and my body began to respond in the way I never wanted it to do. Even though his hand was freezing, my body was boiling. Was he a true king, a real name or royalty, and was I really making out with him? One of my friends yelling my name outside brought me back down to earth, what was i doing, i was playing right into his little game. I hated him, more now than ever, I pulled my face from his.

“Kaname, get off, I won’t let you mess with my mind like this, I told you before no guy has ever brought me down to that standard and you won’t be the first, rich kid or king, it don’t matter you’re not going to get to me. “ I said while now staring him in the eyes.

“is that so, then tell me Susan, why is your heart pounding forcefully fast in your chest, and why is your breathing shallow and quickened, and why does your blood.....yes your blood flow hot and furiously through your veins. I can hear it all, I can feel it all, it plainly makes you more and more irresistible to me, and it also says that you’re clearly enjoying this.” He said with a smirk, and almost evil smirk. Hear my heart? Here my blood? Who, no what was this guy.

“...get off....get off Kaname, I don’t want to do this anymore, get off of me, I’m not going to submit to someone like you, GET OFF!!” I was so shocked at my yelling at him that I didn’t realize he got off, when I did notice he was fixing his shirt from where I had griped it, when did I let go? I just lied there almost exhausted from everything that had happened in the past 20 minutes, this was almost too much. I finally sat up, almost feeling light headed.

“For the record Susan to clear a few things up, mainly just so zero doesn’t rip your head off...” I suddenly caught my breath...Can’t say I liked the way he said that, I knew it was true.
“Our parents are dead, both of them were murdered by a friend of the family, sadly both zero and I were there to witness it, and when he came after us next....well....that’s all you need to know”

I stared at him in disbelief, was he serious, murdered, in front of them, they were also attacked, was he lying...no I could tell by the sudden distasteful look on his face he wasn’t lying, not at all. I suddenly felt like the biggest piece of trash. He was right I should have thought before I spoke. How awful to lose both your parents to murder and to have it done in front of you though that might explain his dark interior. None the less, I knew I had stepped way over the line, and as much as I hated to do so, I owed him and zero both one hell of an apology.

“I’m sorry Kaname, I mean I’m so sorry, I truly had no idea....I...I have no idea what to say, I went too far, I was just uptight about you letter Lillian attack me..And...And....”

“I never expected you to sircome to my sort of will Susan, thats why I like you, you’re the rare type of girl who isn’t easily mislead and your not weak, but I myself don’t tell lies my dear, and everything I tell you is the truth, there for yes, I will except your apology but even as un-sircoming you are, please believe the words that come out of my mouth, are were understood?”

I looked at him for a moment, this man, this man in front of me, it’s like he had the powers of a god, the looks of an angel and the eyes of a demon and the motives of a devil. Who was I to him, what was i to him. Then i remembered something that zero had said...pure-blooded royalties...what was that.

“Kaname, a question....what did zero mean by pure-blooded royalties, what is it your king of, can you please help me understand that?” This time i said it while gripping his arm, his face suddenly turned gentle and he smiled, kneeled down to my level and spoke.

“He never meant anything by it, pureblood most likely just meant that were of hire status that’s all, and as for king, well, that’s simple, I’m king of my people that’s that. We don’t own any land or country, we just own ourselves, and to me they are all devoted.”

“But why, how can you have a king with no kingdom and people with no place, I’m so confused...”
He made a little chuckle and stood up, placing his hand on my head and ruffling with my hair.

“maybe someday I will explain it all to you, come lets return to the party, your friends and guests are giving my grumpy brother a hard time, and he is impossible to deal with when he is cranky like that.”

And just like that Kaname walked out the door, the same old sweet and gentle Kaname i had known before, but now, who was this dark and mysterious Kaname, this one who threatened my essence, this one who made my blood boil, and this one who made me frightened? As my friends all rushed in to see if i was still breathing, I just stared at him while he conversed with zero, who was King Kaname Kurgan, and what was I to him?


END

Hedley

This was my 4th Hedley Concert this year, it was by far the best of em! I love these guys! Tommy <3

Stay out of the dark

If you think I don't understand the pain u have gone thru, u are greatly mistaken. I shall understand more then anyone. True I have not endured such a situation that you have brought upon yourself, but my pain can easily equal yours, if not be greater. Maybe its also just my own state of mind, but then again, you have NO IDEA of the darkness that lies within my heart.

Hmm funny , I think up until now I have been displaying my heart as lonely or sad, That can't be anymore wrong. My mother said something to me the other day that made me stop and think, and how right she really was. "You understand the darkness, the dark part of everything, you relate to it where others cant or are afraid to" is what she said. I don't think she could be more right. All my life I ask myself who am I and whats my purpose. For some reason I feel like my days are coming to a close, but there not going to end. Its funny to say, but I feel as if a new life for me will start, on a level that no human brain or heart can actually comprehend. I love blogging, it lets me explain things to myself in writing that I find to hard to discuss with those I Love, for I know deep down, I think they fear me, and to be honest I think they believe me when I say such things, but refuse to accept it. I've decided I don't want to die, and from this point I actually no longer wish to age, I wanna stay where I am now. The things I have felt and seen thru life so far, this life, and the past ones, I don't wish to die and just re-live them all over again. Im so self centered to say this, but my life is important, to who I don't know yet, but I don't believe I shud be given death. I want to carry what I have seen, felt and learned thru the next 100 years, and even the next 100 after that, and all the way into forever, yes, many of these memories pain me, but I see death as just an easy way out to finally be free of them. Maybe....maybe I don't want to be free. The funny thing is, I believe I like the pain and suffering I get to endure, it helps me relate to what others feel. I smile to everyone, and I usually mean it, but even when I smile and I laugh, I can feel that lil whisper of the demon in me that hates when i feel happy. Ive come to the conclusion, and my friend Sam is mainly the only one i think who really understands this, I believe there is 3 souls, or beings within me. There is myself, as I am now. and then there is one that is angry, always angry, and uses my emotions to his benefit, for when im angry, its like he wants to be thrown from my body and rip the world apart. Then there is sorrow, i don't kno how to explain her, she is the part of me that feels sad and lonely, but none the less, she is also angry, I can relate to her well. I Don't wish to part from my demons, so many people feel there uneasy side and do things to try to release themselves from it. I do not wish to.....I wonder why...

The darkness in my heart......

Its funny but even if you say you understand it, i really do believe you have no idea, no idea of what im capable of and what i truly see and feel. Where there is beauty I can see darkness, where there is darkness I can feel understanding. How does one person, come to grips of who they are, without loosing there mind in doing so. I believe that I'm a mystery,I believe that soon, everyone will find out that I'm a mystery, and try to solve me. Naturally I would never allow that to happen, and I would move on, maybe that's sad to say that I may be leaving everyone I love in the distance. I guess that's the curse of the ones born from darkness.

Born from darkness....

Maybe that's the answer, as to why i feel the way i do about everything. I wonder, which of the 3 souls was first born, not that it matters, my anger side, my lonely side are leveled by my own soul, this ive come to understand, there fore they stand as one. So no matter what all 3 are dark. Loneliness is a shadow to the anger, and in the dark no shadow can live without some light,that's where my soul comes in, to keep from being completely swallowed by darkness, so I still can carry on with my humanity.

The darkness of humanity.....

Human.....I hate that word.....i hate humans, there horrible creatures, selfish , barbaric, cruel, judgemental. So many words out there. As funny as it may sound, (as if this whole blog isn't weird enuf) i feel like my 3 souls are not human, I've always felt non human, dont ask me what i think i am cause truly i have no idea. All i know is, i don't believe I'm human. You would think that as I get older, these ideas, and strange theories wud disperse from my mind, and yet they cling and get much more stronger every day! The more i grow the more i think about it the more i feel that soon, very soon, the great truth i seek, the Truth that my souls reach for, the truth, that will define who, or what I am, is soon to be found. Maybe others feel the way I do, maybe everyone does, and I am just human after all, but if that's the case, then why cant they all talk about it, no one does, no one asks help to seek out the truth to what they are. I do, maybe that's why I'm writing this, i truly do live in a imaginative world....

Things we Imagine are not the things that we make up......but the things we have truly experienced, whether in this life or the past.

That quote makes sudden much sense to me. Maybe like the things i read and see, the fairy tales the scary stories, maybe....there true......and maybe ...the right person will read this.....and maybe the right person will understand, and maybe just maybe the right person, Will kno what I am, and seek to find me, and maybe that person.....will give me what it is I long for.....more then anyone can well imagine...

You will never understand the darkness in my heart.....

Believe in me... not because you want to....., but because I need you to. I am now and I am forever........Follow to where I seek. I am immortal..... Eternal.....
Some how, I kno im not human, Some how I am never ending and the day I see this truth, so will u, and finally it is me you will seek..

Real or fake..

the new famous quote from my friend Zainab...


"I faked it cause I care for you"


"I can't orgasim under all this pressure..."

Love at its greatest definition

Eye to eye, suddenly heart to heart, face to face, body to body......
The simplest of smile, the softest of eyes. The careful movement of a hand and the sway of the hair. These 2 separate moments fit together perfectly. a stillness in time, and whisper thru the air, that only we hear. Not a voice we recognize and one we hear often. it beckons us both, whispers, push us in the middle. Are you the one, am i the one. Surrender soft sweet strawberries to u, caress the silk, feel the skin thast even closer then my own is. Feel soft finger tips, freeze a moment in time stand wide awake, and fall into this new dream, never shall we wake. Are you the one, Am i the one? Even the blind man can see what this is., praise the power that makes us meet here, that makes us see each other, gather all our senses and mold into one. texture undefined, sweet nothings whispered all the time. never falter a single brush, always hang on to this single moment, they can take the future, i don't want them to, but we have the right here right now. Enlighten our senses, caress my soul, cherish this unbelievable rip in time. Carry me farther in one second, then i shall ever go in my entire life. Come with me...Are you the one? am i the one? sweet strawberries never end, fields of never ending bliss. This is what makes the wind blow, this is what causes the tree to move, this is what changes the seasons, this is what makes the moon shine and sun warm, this is what breathes life into us. Standing on water, never going to drown, feeling like I'm drowning all ready. care for me like the moon watches its stars. With you, hope, and believe have become my body guards, they surround me and wrap me in there silk. Are you the one? Am I the one? this is here, this is now, never let this go. If tomorrow you shall part, take our souls, lie them in the fields of gold, even if flesh and blood shall separate, never will our being. I needed this moment, even if it shall not last, even if this feeling comes so strong, lifts me above heaven, and sooner shoots me to hell, i need this moment....
Are you the one? Am i the one.......Are you?

Family ties that forever bind!

I feel sorry for people who don't have supportive families, cause i couldn't imagine getting thru the crisis were in now, alone and unloved. lets start off simple....


My mother is the youngest of 10 kids, so you can well imagine that gives me 10 aunts and 9 uncles plus one already dearly departed. And with man and women bares children, i don't know who many cousin i have, maybe around 36 on that side. So either way u can well imagine our Christmas's and family reunions.

So with a large family living all over Canada, its hard to keep in touch, this my mother does by seeking our her 4-5 sister * i cant even remember how many she has* and taking off on there yearly rondavu called the yaya sister hood. By doing this they set aside 4 days to go somewhere in Canada away from children, jobs, husbands and daily stress. If you knew my mother and her sisters you would wanna be that fly on the wall, cause let me tell u , you would be crying from laughing so hard. When ever she comes back from these , its a no tell story, its one of the benefits of her trip, no one is allowed to kno what happened.

This year my mom and her sisters should be leaving around the 15th.....tho this year it shall not happen.

Families flock together for holidays, for companionship, and my mom and her sister get together to talk and catch up on each others lives. With sudden tragic news this plan had been canceled this year, but family prevails thru all odds. I suppose i should explain the tragedy. To put it in the most mild way, my cousin, in fact my favorite cousin, the sister i never had, suddenly tried taking her own life. In this she had nearly succeeded. I wont tell the whole story but i can say this, she was in a coma and on life support. The lines of communication came open. To a bunch of relatives who usually only talk once a year, show so much eagerness to be part of ant situation and ready to trun around and come home if ever needed for the ones they love. I kno there is alot of families like this, but u see few more and more every day. Relatives in Mexico, to relatives in other provinces, the line of communication hasn't shut down since. I'm Happy to report that as of 3:00 pm today my cousin no longer in on life support and is coherent, the down side, she isn't remembering much, its a time tells all thing..she could have forgotten everyone. when i found out what happened, i wanted to cry, i didn't...my mom was crying and sat there taking a deep breath. Im not cryer, never was, i guess as cold hearted as it is to say, i find it being a weakness to myself. Also i figured if i started crying it would of meant she died, like i was already saying goodbye, and god know i wasn't ready to do that. This cousin has always been a sort of role model for me, and if it wasn't for her words, i still think i would be stuck wondering what i wanna do with my life. So now i figured i had to write about it to get it off my chest. this all happened cause her heart was broken....

I cam to some ideas about it, more so religious ideas...

Was she so hurt by the loss of love, that god knew, hew knew her pain and told her she could come home? not that god gives permission to kill yourself, but i mean while she was in a coma.
maybe our prayers reached him and he heard how much we still wanted her with us, there for a compromise had to be met . Does god compromise? he would make her forget him, but with a price, us as well. what harder...to hear ur child has died from attempted suicide, or to hear ur child doesn't know who you are from attempted suicide but you can make something as to why there in the hospital and don't remember for there sanity sakes? when one survives such a horrible thing, how do they feel about it after? We all have had thoughts of suicide, many of my friends say they have stopped cause they thought of how there family and friends would feel. so how blank is the mind when the thought of family doesn't even come up when you swallow each pill one by one?

Again a situation i guess i really don't kno about, Ive never been that far, nor do i wish i ever will be.... i feel better now..

Tattooed arms...

There is just something about a man with tattoos up and down his arms, the good ol' sleeve as it were. These men get distingushed in many ways.....A biker, a murderer perhapd , a loner, a alcholic, maybe even a coke dealer, or how about a rockstar! Why do we think these things, HA!!! I see the man with the tattoos and ill tell you what i see...a wonderful smile, a man who most likely laughed with the tattoo artist while getting them, a man who carefullly picked them out to suit who he is, wich might I add is not a murderer, or a biker *well maybe* or a loner, or a drinker* tho he is known to get drunk here and there* and im sure he doesn't do coke, Tho I could be wrong on that note.........

God Here I go blabbing about things I think I understand...

Im laughing at my own insanity and unjustified love affair with the one I don't even kno, remember when it was simple, and when u looked at someone, they were just a someone.....just a person....they didn't make ur heart skip, they didn't take ur breath away, they didn't cause u pain and hope all at once, they didn't become the most single important person in ur life...

Now here we stand, * my room-mate will understand this* older, wiser, or maybe its that were stupider for falling into the ocean of love, stupid love.....again I write about love, I guess that means im in it. I think im swimming in it pretty good so far. Tho I still wish I could go back......so that when I look at you, you didn't become everything I need. god I hate my emotions, or maybe because im "of age", I feel obligated to throw myself to such a situation.

I feel like u make me float, when all is lost, I see you and I float.....What other ways can I describe my screwed up sense about you. Its so obvious how I feel about u, but its so not even clear to me, maybe my heart has seeked and found the truth beyond the abyss, but my mind and soul are still standing here stranded, wounded, and wondering where the heart has fucked off to. WHY do we ask WHY do we love, when everyother day we ask why are we NOT in love. We look for it, when we never get it, when we get it, we run. As im doing now, I know how I feel but I seek a neverending all truth bearing answer that these feelings are all lies made up, like a human made from wax in a museum. so true to form,but nothing on the inside. I guess this is just as simple as it gets, love is love and we will never understand it till the day we perish. So since my heart seems to be M.I.A. to my mind and soul, does that mean that u truly have my heart, does this mean that my tears do fall for you, does this mean that every word that I write and every thought that surcums my mind shall only be of you? and therefor belong to u, even tho your own soul, mind and heart have no idea of all this exisitance of mine? how difficult does this love thing really have to be, why can't we see just eachother and you suddenly know how i feel, and we share the same feelings and our hearts choose to meet in the middle while our souls and minds shall follow. Maybe I'll see you standing in the middle of the street like a old romance movie, where the fog is thick , only one street light is on and there isn't a soul in sight, just you and just me..... can i live a old romance movie, where we dont even know eachother, but u see me, take me in your arms and admit your undieying love to me. The people who wrote those movies must of really been in great relationships, or had nothing but failed ones and there for created there own thru the silver screen. The one we all wish for, but I still can't help to think, there has to be some truth to them, after all there is un-conditional love , there is un-yielding love, there is un-deniable love, and its shown, and even tho my heart maynot be agreeing with me, these are the things its feeeling, atleast I think so... I have to stop for a second.....think of my next sentence.....

.................................................

you.......just you.....

the other day my cousin asked me if I had a secret love cause of my screen names on msn.....I denied anything, said there just lyrics...she looked at me odd, she knew.....I don't kno how or what but she knew. Does a women who is in love show it? when his name is said around her, does she start to illuminate, like a shinning star at night, can she say no to being ask if she loves him and not feel guilty? I hate writing about love, I deny it more then I can explain, but its all I write about. maybe in a verbal sense I cant speak of it, but here I can. A long time ago I fell in love, i'll honestly say I feel stupid for ever saying that was love, but since I was hurt so drastically i've decided it couldnt be anything else. Since then, love have a bittered enemy to me.....until him....again him....him.....WHY!?

so again i'll ask you, when u see a man with tattoos up and down his arms.....what do u label him as.....or do u just say, he is a man, that some girl is in love with.........

who do u pray to...

no matter what "god(s)" you pray to , or how u pray to them....the prower of prayer eludes all of us, and sooner or later, always comes thru.

love stoned

Dear .........
I shall not say a name for I do not believe there is one name alone to describe the higher power.

So here I shall pray to whatever type of god is listening. I have befallen the curse of love, that's right, this heart of stone of which was placed in my chest by gods before thee, has finally been made into flesh and blood, and now beats with another hopeful soul. Tho As we shall all recall the last time this cold piece of earth turned to flesh it was forcefully, brutally and inhumanly stabbed in the end by the exact love it seeked out. I remember the day my heart stopped beating as a heart, and turned cold and grey to become stone, with the thoughts of never to be human again. But now , even as I wished it wouldn't happen it has. love has come to seek out yet another revenge with the gods and has placed my heart in the middle of the battle. Love is fighting for flesh,.....gods are fighting for stone ......and I have no say for I don't know wich side to choose. There for I shall look at the obvious....I like him...more then I thought I could like someone in this time of my life...so i should say no, I don't want the flesh, I don't want it to end in horrible heart break where my heart will burst like a volcano and the lava cool over into stone again. But wait....shall i rethink this....to stand on the sidewalk and watch him go past and say that I didn't even try, who cares if I get hurt again, my heart knows well what to expect. (snicker) Listen to me...of course I care if I get hurt, I don't want to ever feel the agony of flesh moulding and freezing back into stone, thus pain was far from unbearable. Tho I do believe I could live thru such a transformation again, tho that will be the final time and thus heart will never beat again, the gods would win then. The heart would be stone, a stand still for all of time, to always show there legacy of the powers they control and how we pray to them no matter what the tittle. So again Ive come to the ultimate question we all ask, those who have been heart, and this would be all of us.....do I take the leap ...again...and risk stone and ice forever...Do I take the chance that my chest shall never be an erupting volcano again and will always beat flesh and blood....? So i pray to these gods, no matter the title.....what do u say i shall do? Tho I shall remember, love waits for no ones, but we all wait for love.

I'd Hear heaven

Here are some lyrics to a song that im IN LOVE with....its just amazing call "Id hear heaven" by Hedley

So close your eyes.
There's no surprise.
You'll realize they hear you.
Just hide your fear.
Come closer dear.
It's hard when no one loves you.
I'm on the soul of every role,
Of every place you're taking
Until I'm done, just stay for fun.
Tomorrow's breaking even.
Too late never say
Tomorrow's is another day
One love, I'm one away.
I never thought that I'd hear heaven say]
Inside I know the way.
She fell like fire, I forgot to play.
One love I'm one away.
I never thought I'd hear heaven say
.Heaven say..

.We've lost our chance,Our one last dance.
Them circumstances fail us.
We'd wait too long.
They found our song.
Seems like time's against us.
Maybe it's me I'm overboard
I'm screaming for no reason.
But life is light Love like a fight.
Today we're breaking even.
I,IOooh yeah.
Too late, Never say
Tomorrow is another day.
One love.I'm one away.
I never thought that I'd hear heaven say.
Inside I know the way she fell like fire.
I forgot to play
One love I'm one away.
I never thought I'd hear heaven say.
Everyone here thinksI'm crazy.
Seems like most of us look lazy.
Waiting 'round here is amazing.
Everyone runs like it's hazy.
Too late.
Never say,Tommorow is another day.
One love I'm one.
I never thought that I'd hear heaven say.
Inside I know the way.
She fell like fire.I forgot to play.
One love I'm one away.
I never thought I'd hear heaven say.
Too late never say.
Tomorrow is another day,
One love I'm one away
I never thought that I'de hear heaven say.
Inside I know the way,She fell like fire.
I forgot to play.
One love I'm one away.
I never thought I'd hear heaven say.
Too late never say,Tomorrow is another day.
One love I'm one away,I never thought that I'd hear heaven say.
Inside I know the way.
She fell like fire.I forgot to play.
One love I'm one away.
I never thought that I'd hear heaven say.
Heaven say.
Hmm never thought I'd hear heaven say...

truth or lie, real or fake!

Its like trying to see with eyes closed shut,
Blinded from truth, its just to much.
What path to choose from, the real or the fake?
Blinded by an Image that "they" create.
They are a reminder of what they want us to be,
But how much of the real do we not really see.

The image of life is based only by price,
We lie, we cheat and we sacrifice.
The true picture is blinded from us,
The image of perfection has become the must.
If I could show the world an image untouched,
Would it leave the image we see broken and crushed?
They say a picture is worth a 1000 words,
Yet the real 1000 words are never heard.

Hanging by threads and boundries unseen,
Showing the real picture, dirty and un-clean.
We slave for the majority,
Then fight for individuality.
A single view is made in our minds,
Then we wish for differences of all kinds.
Do I set myself in the eye of society?
Or do I cling to the truth I know inside of me?

What barriers, what walls would we have to break down,
If we were to send the clear message all around.
We teach that truth is only the right way,
yet we decieve that truth every single day.
The world wants us to all be the same,
And to some the "image" is just a game.
We make things look like they are crystal clear,
but our opposite side shows in every mirror.
So here is the desicion You and I all have to make,
Wich side of society should we take, the real or the fake.

By Cynn

Four legged miracles x 5

So this shall be a different blog from the others, they have been almost depressing as of late, But tonite when i got home from a movie, i was in higher spirits , and at first i wasnt so sure why.....but now I do.

I walked in the door and I am greeted by my children. No, not your regular children, but my 5 fur children. Barks, whines and meows all come to say hello in there own language, but i know what they say. Our youngest, our pup bambi almost seems to cry a hello while wagging his fluffy tail. Tinkerbell, the second oldest of all five jumps up at my legs, ive had her for almost 3 years now. I picked her out of a white litter of 4 when she was 2 weeks old. They marked her with purple nail polish on her toe. I went and saw her twice a week until i could take her home, our bond was created pretty much from her birth. I remember i was so scared to sleep that nite, i would watch her sleep, watch her chest rise and fall, and see the small wimpers she would have from scary dreams. thats when i would cuddle up with her, and stay awake until she stopped shaking. she was so small, maybe a pound, maybe not even, i was so afraid somone would step on her around the house, she was so clutsy and could barely walk. But she knew that where i went she had to to. Her little stubby legs would push as hard as they could to make sure i was within site. everyone couldnt believe how small she was, and I was proud to say she was all mine, i finally had a dog i been asking for ,for almost 6 years. Oh my little tinkerbell, i love her so much, she means the world to me, and always makes me smile, always makes me feel loved.

Even with tinkerbell we can't forget our little bambi, going into the pet store that day obviously sealed our fate. My room mate had been trying for years for a pomeranian, but it always seemed to elude her. but we kept positive and always said "well that one just wasnt meant to be yours" . when we walked into the animal store that day, i turned to her and said "dont come in" of course she didnt listen to me, when does she. still lieing there in his little crate all alone was this little fluff ball, who was afraid of everything around him. i told michelle not to hold him, she would get hooked, but the worker took him out and handed him right into her arms, naturally it was love at first hold. His price wasnt to bad either, but we just didnt have that kind of money, we were so sad to leave him by then. The worker i guess knew and we worked out one hell of a deal, by the end of that day, we walked out with a new little puppy. As for the scared part, yea that quickly melted away. The first months with bambi were much harder then i imagined them to be, we just moved back from calgary and we were both working hard and odd hours, it was comming to the point when the only time he saw us was for bathroom breaks and food, we stopped spending time with him. The house we lived in made it unable for him to roam free as there were pills and what not left on the ground over and over from the senior we lived with. It was hard to see what the puppy was into when we wernt there. I remeber one night, his howling from downstairs was heart breaking, i felt like the worse person in the world. Michelle and I talked that night, that maybe it was best to sell him, we just wernt caring for him the way he needed it. As these plans were being thought out, things changed, and we ended up finally renting our own place, a large house, with a large backyard. We wernt gonna give up then, not at that point! with tinkerbell never liking bambi we were hoping this would help, as she was also being put into a unhealthy situations, the senior giving her human food all the time, she became ill and fat, we hoped this move would help. Boy were we right! within 2 days of livin in the new place, bambi was a whole other dog, as well as tink and we were new people, he was adorable, not a nusance anymore, he became the light of a room. we enjoy having his company now, and spent every minute with him. Our jobs changed and that made time scheduals much easier. As for him and tink, it may of taken 6 or so months, but they have become very close, wich i never thought could happen. Now when we walk in the door, i can see how happy they are to see us, and how happy we are to see them.



Now this isnt just a life gone to the dogs.....no no......welcome to the pussy cats....meet midarko, malibu, and mayza.....

midarko, the oldest of all of the fur children. her "before us" story lyes some where in the depressing list. Our cat went missing while we were on vacation *we shall not say how, as its a horrible act of human beings* after 3 months of looking the spca called saying they think they found her, when we went to see her we were so sure it was her the animal shelter gave her to us for a low fee*should of been charged alot since she had no collar or tags* It wasnt until 2 or 3 years later that we found out the truth,. To make a long story short the cat we found went into heat, wich our cat shouldnt do since she was fixed. We brought her to the vet who did a operation and found out that the cat wasnt fixed at all. Our hearts were broken, the cat we had for the past 3 years wasnt our original midarko.....none the less, we loved her very much and were going to keep her. see when we went tothe spca that day, she was thin, hair missing and the tips of her ear frzen off, and bad frostbite on her feet. maybe we always knew it wasnt our original, but she just said " help me" to us from behind those bars. Say the least we found out the truth behind our real midarko *RIP* and we will always miss her, but this is our midarko now, the loving, cuddle, talkative black cat who loves to pur when we pet her.


The carasmatic maliboo, our little boo boo. Michelle just decided one day that she wanted another cat to go along with midarko, so up to the spca we went. Michelle said she would love somthing with blue eyes. We went and looked at the kittens and found a small fluffy boy, but while holding him, he seemed weak and indifferent, turned out he as really ill, and wasnt promised to make it thru the night. so we left the kitten room, on the way out we decided to look in the older cats rooms. There was some magnificent creatures in there but non that caught at us, not right away anyways. On one cage was pinned a sign " please adopt me, ive been here to long" in plain english that meant someone adopt me soon or im going to be taking the long walk to the back room. of course this sign made us sad. but what we saw next filled us with joy, these little blue eyes peering back at us thru the bars. Michelles face lit up, the little cat knew it and responded with a little meek meow. They had her named panda, as her face looked like one. It wasnt even a question, we knew this little cat was to be a part of our little family. unfortunetly We had to wait a week as she was getting fixed. when we brought her home, her and midarko clinged and were always together. maliboo, as we named her after, became a loving animal. she wants attention all the time, and loves to talk. Her favorite place is upon michelles shoulders while she is on the computer. She never stops purring and love to cuddle at night. I couldnt imagine her being put down. what a ray of sunshine she has become in our lives, i couldnt imgaine life without our little boo boo.


Mayza.....

she probably has the most simple of all the stories One day it was that simple, lets get a third cat, but we wanted a kitten this time. After a week or so of looking, we found someone who was selling siamese/himalyen kittens for 30 bucks. i went and picked her out. big blue eyes and face that would melt any heart. She was a ball of energy that one. but when calmed down, her favorite place to sleep would be , being held like a baby and her paws rubbed. sleeping with her in the bed was hard, i was so afraid to squish her and would wake up all the time to make sure she was ok. michelle and I took turns sleeping with her so we could each get some good nights sleep. She is almost a year today and has turned into a beautiful teen cat, but has a teen attitude. she never wants to listen, and is always beating up her older sister maliboo. Her and bambi have become rather inseperable. She is not talkative at all, but has the same cuddle bug as the other cats. We call her james bond as she has figured how to slide along the wood floors after a fast run. she just helps complete our little set.


Maybe some people would find me writting about my animals over the top, but how can they. we write about things in our daily lives all the time, talk about the latest thing that happened. I have 5 fur children, i think i have alot to talk about. They are always entertaining, there to make u laugh and have a good time, and never far when u sit and cry. a house just isnt a home without animals, 1 or 10 nothin will ever compare to comming home, walking in to door and seeing 4 little paws prancing around beyond excited to see u, like they havnt seen you for years. Animals are the most forgiving creatures, and will always amaze us with the miracles they pull everyday. maybe ur not an animal person, maybe u will be after u read this, maybe it will make u apprectiate urs more, or maybe u will just understand what im talking about, either way, we people make the world go round....but i think a pet, a fur child, a best friend on 4 legs, is what keeps us people going round.

Reflections shall say the most...

I'll look at the mirror and see me, oh how judged i am, not just by others, but by my own self. "Define me"... i say to the reflection, but it just stares blankly at me. "What am I?" i say, but it still stares blankly back. So here is me, the one who defines the Island love, and yet I'm not even on it. I know everyone who is on it and everyone who has left and even those who are returning for the millionth time, but still my feet have not gone more then one step into the sand. I seem to stand back, and ride out the storms, tho I'm not to sure why, they always hurt me. But i do become stronger and I can then help others become stronger. "What is my purpose?" i say to the mirror and nothing, why cant i get a response from myself from the other side of this lingo. Who is the real reflection, the one i see, or the one it sees. While I sit here in tragic destiny's and Broken hearts , where is my reflection, is it opposite, so therefore am I in love? I'm the one who knows what i want, but afraid of getting what i ask for. I'm the one who seeks out the best, the only and the right...and when i think i found it, its not the best, the only or the right. I'm strong, your strong, we both know that....but when it comes to it, when it comes to love, the island love,.....i just wont come ashore. even tho i crave it SO much, i keep on seeing reasons why I shouldn't...oh that island....someday i will have to aboard that of which I created! Dammit, why are these reflections so complicated!

Another her on the "Island love"

Here is you, the girl that everyone sees that everyone sees is beautiful, on your own you stand out of the crowd, but not down inside urself, you feel like ur own beauty cannot stand alone, and will only shine if another is beside you. Your own self defeat is your greatest enemy., you choose to hide by thinking your shining by those others. Love comes to you far to easy, and you let the definition of love roll right off your tongue and onto theirs. For someone with such a strong personality, you let love be the one thing that will walk all over you. Your on the island called love, but even tho you think ur found, your so lost. The island is very large and you have yet to actually find a spot to set up camp, you travel to all of there camps, to see if there shelter will suit you, but little do you see, ur more then compable of making your own security. Were glad your on the island of love, but with being in such a rush, you will find the wrong kind of shelter, a non strong one, and a tidal wave will carry you out to sea, and the island love will no longer be in hands reach. To stay on the island, you need to make your own plans, your own shelters and your own securities, and then he will come to you. He will be impressed when he can see that he can protect you, as much as you can protect him.... He IS on this island, I promise

Messages in the wind.......

So here is where the line of emotions falter.... I want my life with you, and only you. I will do anything to have you, I will do everything to keep you. Emotions have run thru me so fast, so unfamiliar this time, that i think there right. I want to say the words love, but i think i may have surpassed such a thing. I never want to loose this feeling, ever....and if the day shall come when i realize that I've lost that spark, I'm sure just the thought of you would light it up again....you could be my everything, my life, my soul. I have one yes....but its so alone and not complete.....you could complete it....complete me.....I want you so damn bad, the small fibers that make up my body are screaming loud enuf people around me can hear them. I wish i could send what my heart is feeling in the air, let the wind catch it and carry it all the way to you. Where the wind wind blow and shivers would climb ur spine, and you would stop and feel what i feel. And i would keep sending my messages thru the wind, until finally the wind itself carried you back to me. I would never drink a liquid again if it meant i had you, for I would just have to drink your presence up and my thirst would be quenched. when you looked at me....when you smiled, when you nodded.......when it just turned into a moment of you and I....when I realized what my heart was trying to tell me all this time.....the ways i think of you.....nothing can truly explained this time, i have no explanation, please don't ask me...i will never be able to give you a answer.....just be mine,....

I will do anything to have you......I will do anything to keep you....

What is this?

Hello and welcome to your night of UN-yielding entertainment, where the Flo of the living poison shall course through your body at the speed of blood and surrender your mind and all other motor functions of your body to its momentary bliss.

this is a night to which u shall relinquish all things that harm you and threaten your humanity. This is where you will see the humanoids around for whom they really are, and they shall see you....! Where they are fake, and some are oh so real. Upon all this renewed enlightenment you will be surcomed to the sounds of which we will call a hypnotizing melody, for in which you will move and sway your body in erotic fashion and show everyone around you how little you care of what they think of you.

how is the live poison filling your body, have you had enuf yet. please continue drinking down the liquid rainbow and let it brings its warm colors to your soul. Here is where you can let go of everything, here is where you can be something your not, or truly something you are. Now that your night has been fulfilled, we ask that you forget how great the poison, and hypnosis feels, and feel pain and agony the next day, as you know there is a price for everything. Of course tho.....when the poisons and hypnosis finally wares off, please....come back for more.....every time....

Wrong side of the Island

Who do they think you are....who do they think you are not....the reactions so different....the colors around you, there air thick, thin,,,every one breathes it in so differently. I think your not just one persona, i think your many, I think you have more to you then ANYONE has yet to see. Oh how love comes into your grasp, but what happens...maybe it runs away...no maybe you let it go...you don't mean to....do u? maybe you do. Insecurities can kill you.....and leave you a old crazy cat women...i know....Your eyes sparkle, like your on the Island love all the time....but your lost, your on the wrong side, walk the beach...walk to the other side...what no? the sands are to deep and hard to pass, and the angry animals of the island, the unloved ones who only live in one spot are blocking your path...wait what did we call these creatures again...or yea insecurities, mean people, the unloved....what horrible creatures always seek your faith full heart, they wish to tare it from your chest and slowly gnaw it away...but make you watch in horror and agony...i guess they have already had nibbles, love has left you stained and hurt, something that's made to make you happy, has left you on the wrong side of it. How do you beat the monsters, how do you kill them and how do u protect your own heart. Such silence follows you, such pain mimics you, like a puppet it pretends to be your friend, while being controlled by your enemy. The water is fresher on the other side you know.....the sands are softer...kill the beasts that stop you. how how many times you have been close to the other side, but the beasts, they always come out of hiding, and scare you back to Ur secluded side of the island...there jealous..your beauty makes them feel ugly, your charm makes them feel dumb, your smile darkens there lives and lights up our. Your eyes carry the sun...they hate the sun...your voice speak lullaby's...they hate to sleep, they never sleep...that's why they keep you on that side of the island...come to this side...he is here...he will be waiting for you...i promise......





PS before you come over here, can you um...change ur socks.....

HIM

You maybe thought she was it.... the one...the IT GIRL.....oops.....i guess no one warned you huh...how she really ones, maybe no one knew, maybe she had them all fooled, and then you...what did you do to deserve and "love" like this? its been a while with her, what happened, what carried your heart out to sea, far away from the warmth aftropical island ,love? Time happened i guess....no not time....truth, unveiling, the removale of that secret screen where the lies were piling up maybe...i dunno....maybe the lies were screaming so loud, you finally heard them.....
Maybe it was HER or HER that recaptured your attention, or maybe they brain washed you. Who was the real tadpole, and who is the real sharks...who was acting like a dolphin in sharks skin...or a shark in dolphins skin. Have you no pride, dignity, fareness? how cruel of you, how smart of you....how misunderstanding of you...how perfectly clear of you. Fool, you can cut off the fishing line now, but the hook will remain in your skin forever, now your bound to her by a fate that will live past your own prime....idiot. A little to much, and a little to late...smart then, dumb now.....idiot.

HER

My hearts not broken, i guess this is something you could argue with after reading my past blogs. Yes it has BEEN broken, but the ice around it has frozen it back to its original cold self....so the blogs, the words, the pain that i write into these blogs...where does it come from you mite ask me...that's simple......

Him..her...her..him and him and her and her and him and all of them,.....there people I know, the people i love, the people i see....love boarders itself from me, I am limited to the knowledge of what love can create and destroy, but I see it, I may not feel it, I hear it, but i can not feel it. Is that true? that i don't feel feel it, that i cant...if that was the case would any of this touch anybody....does it? If love were a piece of land it would be tropical, full of green palm trees, wild plants, plentiful food, white sand and sparkling oceans.....I'm in the north pole...that's how far love seeks to be from me. Again, I'm writing about love...i guess i just watch for it. like when a mother leaves the outside lamp burning waiting for her husband to return from war, or hunting...my lamp swings in the chilled air of a snowy dessert...in this case its called my heart.

Curse this thing called love.....


Lets start with her.....

I'm sorry this happened to u, I'm sorry your heart has been ripped from your chest, stomped on while lying in a puddle of blood and left there for all the world to see its damages. what a cruel world for you...hmm..karma....whats left of your soul maybe unrecognizable, i don't think i know you anymore. does it hurt...yes i know it does, you tell me this... to leave you on that fishing line, a little tadpole in a pool of sharks..how could he.....why would he...bored....annoyed.....hmmm Karma...is this the worse pain you feel i wonder, could this pain get worse? it can get worse all the time, as long as u still have pieces of your soul....when u no longer feel such pains * like me* your soul has been devoured by your own insecurities, by the unloved that eat at Ur heart, when the last pieces of shattered and someone came with the broom, swept it up and threw it away * I didn't notice when that happened to me* Oh how painful it is right now..to look up at the sky, to look to Ur left, right and all around u...I'm sure it all reminds u of him...how sad.....hmmm....karma...

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spring forward

so ho-hum here comes the spring.....they say that at this time of year just like the birds and the bees, humans come out to play. The sun shines more, poeple are out and about more, leaving there house hold dungeons where most of hibernated thru the winter months...

Not me.....

I never was one to understand all the lovy dovey stuff at spring time, and as far as i can remember now, i wasnt ever looking for a bf for sooo many reasons...but this spring..this year..2008 is different some how, i dont kno why and i cant explain it, but i think the spring love thing is gettin to me. I never wanted a BF right now for that fact that i KNOW im not staying here, and i have HUGE plans, and as far as im concered, you get a bf and in a few years all your plans change cause u have this relationship...no offence guys, but what makes u so special that have to change my entire life path to be loved...ok maybe that sounds a little harsh, im not sure, but i want a guy who will move with me not agaisnt me. The other problem is people change there life paths constantly until they set it in stone, this i kno cause i have changed mine about 30 times. Im 100% certain of what I want to do now, i guess thats why im waiting for love, wait until im setteled down more.....but again...this feeling....this year,i cant help shaking the feeling that ive been pushin love off for so long now, and it kinda let me....but now...im not so certain im can fight it anymore, better yet i dont think im allowed to. maybe some higher power has been telling me to push off love this long, because i kno and it knows that my heart is very strong, and i was goig to be one of the lucky ones to have my soulmate....what a fairy tale huh, but we all have to beleive in somthin...and if your gonna dream, might as well dream big... so I kno some guys that like me...but i guess there not the one..like i can feel the wind forcing itself, just like the chinooks force itself upon the frozen snow, it melts it, just like this force is a chinook wind on my frozen ice incrusted heart...why do i suddenly now seek love, tho not of that which is infront of me, but that of wich i kno is on its way.....maybe....maybe it was ....him......maybe it was he who melted it, opened up somthing that only he ended up having the key to. As fate allowes it maybe he is the only one to pass thru my soul, where no one else could....or was allowed....when he looked at me..i saw somthin, i felt somthin not familiar....maybe this is where its started, where the small chinook breeze began. oh how complicated our hearts are...such a curse a organ made to keep us alive, but an emotion to either bond us or destroy our being...im gonne welcome spring this year, like i do any other year...except this year...maybe i can except love,.....maybe i can make a SMALL difference in my life, to allow it, i think im suppose to now, someone or somthing is saying its time....i hope im not being taken up to high.....for the higher you are, the longer and harder you fall....

Tears unknown

Im sorry she hurt you....


Im sorry she made you cry.....


Im sorry that she was the reason to bring tears to your eyes.......

You kno its over when

Her: " I don't kno what to do, i dont want to feel like thing anymore, why cant he just say he loves me and kiss me....why does he treat me like this...."

Friend: Get up and tell him your leaving, maybe that will knock some sense into his head and make him realize how importnat you are to him.

Her: He wont do anything, i know he wont, he gets mad at me for asking how he is feeling...

Friend: " just try it, c'mon its worth a shot..

Her: " No, cause i kno he will just shrug and let me walk out...

Friend: If your so sure about that, the what the fuck are you fighting for anymore?

Past, present, future

Ur only in love wih the right person, for right now....cause im the person for right then, and forever

Retardted consumers

One day a year, people show more love in the world then any other day....
when every other day we need love more then anything....
welcome to v-day, the consumers buy out day. why does it take ONE DAY a year to say i love u, and the rest of the days to say, i dont want to be with u. No im not complaing cause this unholy hoilday always leaves me alone to wonder in my own insanity, but i dislike it for how people EXPECT loving presents...and EXPECT the I LOVE YOU's today. but tommorow, they will go back to the way they were, side by side and completley alone. Fuck the v-day, it unreal, its a single day in the year where we get to play fairy tale. yay im fuckin cinderella, livin in the 7 dwarves cabin, who will bring me gifts today, and a bed to sleep in where i will sleep for hundreds of years after pricking my finger on a spinning wheel. so let me sleep till the v-day cause that MUST be when MY prince will come. HOGWASH!!!!! This is not a holiday, this is a torturing 24 hours of undecency, where love shall reign and then fall harder then ever. stupid v-day, who the hell made this shit up anyways....?

the battle field

You shouldnt have to impress him.....
it shouldnt take make up and a hair do to make him fall in love with u again.
He should love you for ur attributes...
and appreciate u for your flaws...

If he despised you in the future, will you still love him, will you still be with him?

How long will you wait for him to smile at you again, how long will you wait for him to say those words to you again....how long will you let urself be lost....

We all fight for what we beleive in, didnt anyone ever tell u that war leads to death....sometimes when u dont leave the battle field you get shot on it, and lie there and slowly die.....

how long will you choose to survive that battle field, will you stay....and hope u win? your troops are gone and your ammo is empty, what are u fighting with anymore. May god grant u ur miracle, and if not...how long will u wait....

Discreption at its finest..

How to to say no to a guy who askes you out and u dont want to date him....

*from the wise mouth of my cousin*

HIM: so will you go out with me, cause i like u and...yea u kno....
HER: Um...Dont you work every day?

Go marcy, ur my hero....

to love wrong

You are everything I could believe in
You might be everything I’m needing
Can you be what I say?
Can you say my name today?
Lets start this all off right
Can I fall in love at first sight?
Hello, you maybe it
Hello this could be it
Do not let this end,
Do not let this end.
I am afraid not to shine
I am afraid to not have you as mine
Lets take off and leave this behind
I think we are 2 of a kind
Your soul, is it speaking to me
Come with me, there is a lot to see
Are you in love to?
Wait ur not, what do I do?
This is not the feelings you got,
I am alone, alone in this spot
Do not turn away, there has to be something
Anything…
You are mine to shine,
Do not leave me behind…
Someone else? Who…
Do they love you…like I do?
Cannot I be your everything?
Your end and your beginning?
No, your smile is for me not her…
What hated emotions this all stirs.
Please love who I am
I will not stand for this, your suppose to be my man
Careful what you say right now
I am fragile I just dont know how…
How did ur love not fall for me…
Why was this love not meant to be?..
I am left in the darken alley
You’ve walked away, I can’t see
Tears they flow
But I loved you so.
Where are you now, why aren’t u here
To wipe my eyes and every tear…
You were suppose to be mine to shine…
Why did you leave me behind?..