When the mortal Fell for the Angel

Descended down from heaven its self, even if heaven is not to exist.....

You do....

There is so much of the extreme in you.....

So come dance with me......

Upon the silver clouds,
on top of the waters ripples.
dip me where the willow trees whisper,
spin me where the sun hits the horizon.
And carry me as far as to oblivion...
Just dance with me.....

Hold my hand, like its the last one you will ever hold,
breath me in like I will be your last breathe...
dream what I dream...lets dream even beyond where the stars stop
Speak to me with your voice, but only so I can hear..

Im in this condition that makes no sense,
Im lost in thoughts that never existed and have come to light...
Seems like this game keeps going, never ending, and always end up back at start. No cure, no escape,no returning,no stopping it....
How long, how far can something like this actually last,
does this meet a happy ending?

If I only really had you to be beside me,
If I only had you to look at me,
If it was you who were to never let me fall
If it was you who would catch me if I did...
If when I finally shed a tear for love, then its for you...

When will the dreaming end?
such a senseless breakdown of emotion,
no clear path to follow, thrown to the wind with a wish.
So please, if fate allows a wish, to a simple heart that's frozen in time...

Then please come dance with me...
Upon the silver clouds,
Thru the starry night sky
over the light of the moon,
upon the waters edge
And come Release me from this dream....

WITH ANGEL WINGS I WILL SOAR ONCE MORE...

"To Believe in ones on strength is enough power to move the world..."

"Im not perfect, but ill keep trying, cause thats what I said I would do from the start..."

I Decided that today I was going to take it on!

I decided that today I was going to win the stupid battle!

Today I decided the mirror and its, no- MY reflection was no longer going to win!

Everytime I look in the mirror, I hate what I see and once I start hateing what I see, I start hearing what I hate even more.....the reflection...she points and me, hackles and menacing laugh and talks to me...

"WOW! look at you!!! Hey now, you stare any longer at me and the mirror might crack! *snicker*! HAHAHA have you EVER put in the pounds! wow you're NEVER gonna get rid of all THAT! You must really like seeing me in the mirror cause EVERYTIME you come by I havn't changed a single bit! Ha ha! With your procrastination and pro lazyness, I get a great setup here! Hell I'll never be leaving this mirror thanks to you and your BORING idle thinking but NO action plans. So I get to be here and get bigger along with my ego, HA! soon I'll get to take over this entire mirror, hell you might have to put another mirror beside me if you keep going like this. That is of course if you can even live another few years. I mean c'mon I may be your reflection but even I can hear our heart, and frankly my friend it ain't sounding to good. But thats ok right? cause for the time you got left I get to enjoy it and live it up ,and you....well you can sit there in your own self pity, making your excuses, hating what you see but never moving forward, never makin a change. Congradulations on being your own undoing!"

My reflection has a smile that is not an inviting one, its a smile that tells me how evil she really is. I can hear every word my reflection has said to me, they echo in my head. I can hear the intolerable laughter that she hackles at my own dimise. she's happy to look that way.....even if it means a shorter life?

A shorter life....that is what my reflection is saying isn't it? With the way it is, my life, my existance, my breath will sieze to exist if I don't take control.

Evil reflection! Once upon a time you were never there, once upon a time I loved looking at the reflection of me. The way I use to look,.....

where did YOU come from?

why are YOU here now?

where did I go wrong and pick YOU up?

I hate you.....no, I hate ME for what I've let myself become. There is no other to blame but myself. Even in all her evil glory the reflection in the mirror is stating its true colors...my true colors, It IS me....

BUT.....this is only true for this last second, this last moment, cause right now, I'm making a stand! I take a deep breath and look at my reflection in the eyes and say.....

"NO!!.......I will no longer listen to you, I will no longer be a procrastinator and I will no longer make excuses. I'm not going to let you take me down ANYMORE. Im NOT gonna sell myself short, or my life span. YOU'RE wrong, you're NOT me, you never were, you're just a temporary image , something I can finally accept as is and then LET GO!

I'm gonna go back to the image I once was and even make it better. I'll get the reflection back that smiles happily at me and is proud of who I am and what I've done. I will no longer allow you to attack me with your negative thinking. I have people who depend on me and people who look towards everyday. People who love me and care for me and I for them. I can't let how you think effect me and make me abondon them. I have far to much in my life that I want to accomplish to let you stand in my way and telling me I'm going to die is NOT an option! DO NOT under estimate me, I may be my worst enemy but I am also my own salvation! You are at the front lines of a war, and you now have run out of ammo, I am the real me and will now turn this back and forth battle in my favor and I WILL WIN it. I have had enough of you and I no longer want to see you, you will become a thing of the past and I will better my future, I am going to surpass you and everything you are and say, with my own strength! I WILL NOT BE YOU ANY LONGER!"

After yelling my soul out to the mirror she said nothing in return, I stared at her for a mere 30 seconds, not a word just the sounds of my breathing, my heart beating...STILL beating, im still alive and I WILL prove what I can do! My reflection now smiles at me, the smile I use to see her have and as tears rolls down her face she says "finally"... And so, I smiled with my reflection and wiped away our tears.

How long do I have to wait?

YOU BASTARD! WHERE ARE YOU?! YOU SAID....YOU PROMISED, WHAT IS TAKIN YOU SO LONG??

you...you promised to get me to save me, you promised you would be here , you said be patient, how LONG do I have to wait, my patience is gone, I'm sick of this "human condition" ! All the rules you told me to follow I am, but I'm losing ground, I don't know how much longer I can hold out. where are you?......come get me already.....no come rescue me now!!!!!!!

I look to the sky every nite, knowing that you to are look at the same sky, the same stars, the same moon. I know that when the breeze brushes my skin, its your hand reaching out to me. But why, why am I still here alone with out you. I'm still in this condition, I'm getting worse and don't know how to get out of it. They say my future to me, and for some reason, your never mentioned...don't tell me you abanded me? everything I am is for you, every breath I'm taking , ever inhale, ever exhale. Love is what we make of it, and I'm still wanting to make you my love, just like before, just like way back then....in that past, and the one before it and even before that. My love for you crosses any time, any space any black hole.l It will surpass history, past , present and future. I'm sorry that its hard to find me....is it hard to find me? is that really whats wrong?

please don't give up on me, please keep me in your heart, I still only have half my soul as you have rest, you have always had the rest, that's why Ive never felt like a whole. Hmm listen to me, the one telling everyone else you don't need another half to feel whole.....

But its not true with me, unlike them who are already whole, I truly am only half at this point, living this existence this way is making me lose that Little half i have left. How long do you expect me to hold out on this. I know, you want me to wait forever, and you know that I will tho I know you will not wait forever, please don't make this any longer and hurry. I cry for nothing and no one, but right now at this moment, I could break into tears that would fall so heavily on my heart that its enough to create a massive destructible earthquake within my heart. My chest hurts so much from this pain of constant wondering. every person i look into the eyes of I wonder if its you staring back at me.....every voice i hear makes me turn around to see if its directed at me. And every time I feel someone close to me and no one is there, I know its my memories playing tricks on me, they miss you to I think...my memories.

I keep this fake on forever you know, I cant keep going living in a total lie to myself. I am as people see me, but I'm not who they think....I'm yours, and yours alone....please....I beg of you, no longer keep me is the crippled world, this obsolete life that I'm sadly living, Im sick of the wars, im sick of the death, Im sick of the hatres, abuse, the disgusting way that humans act... please come be the person i know you are, and bring me back to the way I once was, so, so so long ago......the way WE were so long ago.

I love you....

I love you today, yesterday and tomorrow........

Not even a sword drenched in poison, rammed thru my heart can stop me from what I know, no....what I feel! If I die is this life before seeing you, then my love will just carry on to my next life. If that happens....don't wait so long next time.....but until that moment should happen, come find me now.....now........come find me, come wrap me up in your arms, let me feel your breath on my neck, let me feel your arms holding me tight, let me feel the heat of your body against mine. please......enuf is enuf.....

Come find me, come love me....the way that you were destined to do....

BLESS THE WAR CHILD

Bless the war child
He sits alone here every night
will he survive the next fight?
Bless the war child
its just his sister and him, alive all alone
their family and friends now dead and gone.
Bless the war child
every day he prays above
wonders if god took back all his love.
Bless the war child

Surviving through bombs and gun shots that riegn out
children crying, people dieing, mothers scream and shout
Bless the war child
Sadness and anger fight for a place,
In this world its vicious and full of disgrace.
Bless the war child
Fighting a mixed up society,
that has become a Mochary.
Bless the war child
wondering what it is they did wrong
Why do these wars last so long?
Bless the war child

just only a small child but with a gun in his hand
for a man he doesnt even know, kill is the demand.
Bless the war child
Holding on to a past,
that did not last.
Bless the war child
.Killing this man, for killing that man.
How much more of this can we stand.
Bless the war child.

why cant we stop this meaningless fighting
what cant we create this world of ever lasting meaning
Help move the walls of madness
stop the pain and the sadness
we wanna carry on into tommorow
end the hatred and the sorrow.
bless the war child

In the middle if the war is where he fell
maybe its ok, he was living in hell.
bless the war child
Infront of the gates is where he now stands
God smiles at him and lends him a hand.

Dear lord he says, please wait to hear what i have to say,
we just cant leave the world this way.

The lord smiles and says its all in there hearts,
excepting eachother is where it must start.

Then tell me dear lord what can I do?

Little boy he says I bless this onto you,
With wings I give you an angel you now will be,
and you shall fly and follow me,
.....and bless the war child.

By Cynn B. February 13 2009

Heaven just got brighter

its 2:18 am friday morning, ive been trying to avoid writtin this blog rite now as i Have to be up early, but after 2 solid hours of crying what else can I do to release this pain. So humble it may be to some, but to me, its hurts....alot.

Today at work, what a good day at work it was to, I have just been sick for 4 days, so it was good to get back to a normal pace. It was a good day today at work.....

My mom called me after work...it was decided, our family cat of 13 years was going to be put down today...he was getting a serious case of gaingreen*sp* and pretty much had liver and kidney failure. He wasnt the same cat. My lil zander...the cat i held in the pet store like a baby the day we got him....mom went thru the paper work and he stared up at me the whole time with bright gold eyes, always searching my face for answers. As he lived with us, he got all the answers he needed. He was loved, cherished and spoiled. I can atleast say he lived a good life. I thought I would be better about this, I prepared myself for it. Now here I am crying in my room, my heart feels like its being ripped from my chest in small amounts. I keep saying dont cry but its just not that simple....not that simple at all. He was taken out to my uncles farm, he put him to sleep pretty much the same way vets did. I didnt go out there, I cudnt follow.....

Christmas day will be at my moms this year....but he wont be....my little zander....In the end his eyes were no longer him, Im not to sure what was left of him. We do this so they dont suffer, its a decision we make but its one that is never easy and one that rarely ever comes without tears.

The one thing I hate so much....he was taken to the farm, 20 minutes away....he is buried in a field in the middle of nowhere...snow covered....he wont be able to find us....his spirit will be lost, how can he watch us at home now, how can he watch ryley get bigger, the ONLY child he EVER let touch him...I guess there is nothin else I can really write about....I guess it was just somthin I had to get off my chest, as I knew the nite would be the time. well then I got lucky I guess, many people dont get to say final goodbyes....

so i picked him up kissed him on his head, held him to my cheeck an told him i loved him and would miss him.....many times...put him in the cat carrier and my brother came to collect him...that was that...as this point..well im sure you get the rest....R.I.P my lil prince cat, I will miss you so much...find my grandma up there, she will now be the lap you sit on, and I promise hers is just as warm as all of ours was down here...I love you...

Zander Beck

August 27 1998 - December 11 2008

.......Heaven just got brighter......

Love blabber

Love....*smirk* even thru my dark moments, my scary times of writting, my lonley ambitions andmy startling discoverys, I will always return...to love....

Why do we crave such an essence with another person? Is it that important to be loved by someone else? I personally dont believe so, however I have been loved, and felt rather smothered. Does this make me oblivious to love, or was it truly not the right kind. I say not the rite kind, im seeking a love, im not gonna sit and wait for it tho. I just kno its out tehre. And i kno that when i gaze upon him for the first time, when i see his chest raise and fall with life, when i hear his voice carry itself to me, when i see ever curve of his body turn to me, thats when I will kno its love. Its funny, i already kno who you are, i just dont have a clue who you are. Thats rather funny I think. I will kno what i see you, and i only pray Im not passing you everyday in my life. A falme of a candle burns as long as its alowd to...Ill love and seek as long as im allowed to. I feel like that flame, hot to the touch, I can burn easily, but i can be extingushed with just the righty blow. No one wants to hurt, it human nature to hurt. I wont be like the other girls, I will find u, im not gonna waste my time on useless romances, I kno your there i trulyu kno your rite around the corner....wich corner tho...? Its like i kno you already and im greatly missing you, as it i havnt seen you in years, my love once my love disapeared and is comming home to my heart. Will you be my last, My first, my forever? I greatly believe in love at first sight, but I only beleive in that cause it means I loved you in my past lives and that frozen love has passed on thru time. This maybe my greatest weekness , this love thing. I will stand up for everything i believe in, I will protect those i love, but my greatest problem is seeing and believing in this thing called love. thats y i fear so much that u will pass right over me and I wont see you...but still i believe u will do somthing to prove that I do love you....I write this as if your actually reading them....lol...if you are....for gods sake say somthing! ok I think im done now...

Find me, Find me, Find me

How did I get here....this sad excuse for which I breath my days away...My days will be endless and this is not the way I wish for them to be. So sad this repetitive sad excuse for my existence, having to hide...no having to store away who I really am...what I really am. Smile thru the thousand tears, stand up tall thru these unbreakable years. This life has made my true existence a fake, I pretend a show for all to admire. If only they could all understand, some day this won't be me,..someday I will awaken, my true self, my former self. Ive become aware of its existence sleeping within me, I just haven't regained the ideals on how to wake it up! When Ur sleeping with in yourself, and the life Ur living now keeps u subdued, and somewhat happy, how do u wake up Ur miserable existence that will take you away from the happiness? but you have no choice to do so. If you don't, u slowly destroy yourself , u slowly kill yourself even tho ur to live for much longer. How do I wake myself up , that part of me that wants to stay in slumber, but craves to awake and breath again.

Find me......I know your out there, and only recently u have felt my existence, the only one your looking for....I'm not talking soul mate I'm talking about a living existence that your already in, the one you want to drag myself into. You wont need to drag, ill follow. I feel obsolete in this life, I cant even explain what I have been feeling for the past 3-6 months, this power inside me, wanting to burst, like its time to let the world know of our existence, but I cant yet, not till your with me. Find me....Your so close, I know you are, I can feel it. My dreams....no ..my nightmares are telling me your close, find me.... I don't want to live this existence anymore, I'm ready to go, no not die, but to live. You have no idea how long Ive waited, or maybe you do, maybe you have been waiting longer. How many centuries has this hidden existence of mine been sleeping, how long have you been trying to wake it. have I met you in every life, and not soon enuf if , is that why I'm still repeating this life and death cycle? Sometimes when I think like this, I believe I'm going crazy, but everyday it gets stronger and stronger, deep down to my soul, no even beyond that if there is such a place, i know I'm meant for more then this "human" life. The world is over tomorrow....we don't have many years here left, the humans have ruined there chances, find me before it ends. I can live thru the world ending but I don't want to go thru the world rebuilding as I am now. My heart calls to u, so deeply its become a whisper. When I feel the wind blow suddenly I look around, as if there was a message in it, calling my name that I didn't recognize. When the rain falls now I imagine it the tears that we have felt thrue the centuries of us not being together. When the snow covers the ground, when its all white and pure, I feel like that's the emptiness that we are both feeling. Where are you...why haven't you found me yet? how long do you plan on living your existence without me? Please don't think I'm not ready ,....i am...i really am. Ive saved as much of myself for you, come save me from myself.....

Everything is changing...but you are the truth, my truth. loves have come and gone, hurt me, and been hurt by me....even so this proves more of my sadly lived life here that shouldn't be. Don't get me wrong, there are people in this life that I would die for, that I would do anything for, this is why you need to find me, so I can save them....

Don't worry, I've always remembered what you said to me, even tho i don't remember you, I remember....

"...Don't cry, your not allowed to, its a weakness, you have to be stronger for everyone else, stronger then everyone else...."

"...Don't let anybody kno who you really are, what really is sealed in your soul...that's for us and only us..."

"...don't give yourself to anyone, that's a a sacred right that is for our existence only...."

"....Don't fall in love, its harder to let it go, and it will hurt u, and you become hard. sadly u will be living that life and you will fall in love and u will get hurt, for this I am sorry..."

"And when you feel like your dieing, or that ur existence is meaningless, you will begin to awaken, and that's when I will start searching for you..."


Sadly I did break one of those taboos, I fell in love a few times, I was hurt and I did become hard, tho I never have to worry about falling in love again. I know where my heart goes, I know where its true purpose belongs to.

There isn't anything in this world that I want more then for you to show up at my door. I looked to the skies, to the empty fields to the long roads and feel for your presence, listen for your voice and breath the air for your scent. When , how much longer....I'm sitting in my lil house, on my street,,...alone...always when I'm alone, its you I'm always thinking of. In moments of silence when no one is listening I send a silent prayer that you might hear, and then you will find me. Does my voice reach you, when I laugh can u hear it, when I cry can you feel that pain, for I rarely cry. Can you give me a small hint as to what I can do to help you get closer? Find me.....find me....find me...

there is nothing I want more,

Then for you, to show up and say that you found me....My existance, my life and my soul will finally become one....Find me....Just find me...