Heaven just got brighter

its 2:18 am friday morning, ive been trying to avoid writtin this blog rite now as i Have to be up early, but after 2 solid hours of crying what else can I do to release this pain. So humble it may be to some, but to me, its hurts....alot.

Today at work, what a good day at work it was to, I have just been sick for 4 days, so it was good to get back to a normal pace. It was a good day today at work.....

My mom called me after work...it was decided, our family cat of 13 years was going to be put down today...he was getting a serious case of gaingreen*sp* and pretty much had liver and kidney failure. He wasnt the same cat. My lil zander...the cat i held in the pet store like a baby the day we got him....mom went thru the paper work and he stared up at me the whole time with bright gold eyes, always searching my face for answers. As he lived with us, he got all the answers he needed. He was loved, cherished and spoiled. I can atleast say he lived a good life. I thought I would be better about this, I prepared myself for it. Now here I am crying in my room, my heart feels like its being ripped from my chest in small amounts. I keep saying dont cry but its just not that simple....not that simple at all. He was taken out to my uncles farm, he put him to sleep pretty much the same way vets did. I didnt go out there, I cudnt follow.....

Christmas day will be at my moms this year....but he wont be....my little zander....In the end his eyes were no longer him, Im not to sure what was left of him. We do this so they dont suffer, its a decision we make but its one that is never easy and one that rarely ever comes without tears.

The one thing I hate so much....he was taken to the farm, 20 minutes away....he is buried in a field in the middle of nowhere...snow covered....he wont be able to find us....his spirit will be lost, how can he watch us at home now, how can he watch ryley get bigger, the ONLY child he EVER let touch him...I guess there is nothin else I can really write about....I guess it was just somthin I had to get off my chest, as I knew the nite would be the time. well then I got lucky I guess, many people dont get to say final goodbyes....

so i picked him up kissed him on his head, held him to my cheeck an told him i loved him and would miss him.....many times...put him in the cat carrier and my brother came to collect him...that was that...as this point..well im sure you get the rest....R.I.P my lil prince cat, I will miss you so much...find my grandma up there, she will now be the lap you sit on, and I promise hers is just as warm as all of ours was down here...I love you...

Zander Beck

August 27 1998 - December 11 2008

.......Heaven just got brighter......

Love blabber

Love....*smirk* even thru my dark moments, my scary times of writting, my lonley ambitions andmy startling discoverys, I will always return...to love....

Why do we crave such an essence with another person? Is it that important to be loved by someone else? I personally dont believe so, however I have been loved, and felt rather smothered. Does this make me oblivious to love, or was it truly not the right kind. I say not the rite kind, im seeking a love, im not gonna sit and wait for it tho. I just kno its out tehre. And i kno that when i gaze upon him for the first time, when i see his chest raise and fall with life, when i hear his voice carry itself to me, when i see ever curve of his body turn to me, thats when I will kno its love. Its funny, i already kno who you are, i just dont have a clue who you are. Thats rather funny I think. I will kno what i see you, and i only pray Im not passing you everyday in my life. A falme of a candle burns as long as its alowd to...Ill love and seek as long as im allowed to. I feel like that flame, hot to the touch, I can burn easily, but i can be extingushed with just the righty blow. No one wants to hurt, it human nature to hurt. I wont be like the other girls, I will find u, im not gonna waste my time on useless romances, I kno your there i trulyu kno your rite around the corner....wich corner tho...? Its like i kno you already and im greatly missing you, as it i havnt seen you in years, my love once my love disapeared and is comming home to my heart. Will you be my last, My first, my forever? I greatly believe in love at first sight, but I only beleive in that cause it means I loved you in my past lives and that frozen love has passed on thru time. This maybe my greatest weekness , this love thing. I will stand up for everything i believe in, I will protect those i love, but my greatest problem is seeing and believing in this thing called love. thats y i fear so much that u will pass right over me and I wont see you...but still i believe u will do somthing to prove that I do love you....I write this as if your actually reading them....lol...if you are....for gods sake say somthing! ok I think im done now...

Find me, Find me, Find me

How did I get here....this sad excuse for which I breath my days away...My days will be endless and this is not the way I wish for them to be. So sad this repetitive sad excuse for my existence, having to hide...no having to store away who I really am...what I really am. Smile thru the thousand tears, stand up tall thru these unbreakable years. This life has made my true existence a fake, I pretend a show for all to admire. If only they could all understand, some day this won't be me,..someday I will awaken, my true self, my former self. Ive become aware of its existence sleeping within me, I just haven't regained the ideals on how to wake it up! When Ur sleeping with in yourself, and the life Ur living now keeps u subdued, and somewhat happy, how do u wake up Ur miserable existence that will take you away from the happiness? but you have no choice to do so. If you don't, u slowly destroy yourself , u slowly kill yourself even tho ur to live for much longer. How do I wake myself up , that part of me that wants to stay in slumber, but craves to awake and breath again.

Find me......I know your out there, and only recently u have felt my existence, the only one your looking for....I'm not talking soul mate I'm talking about a living existence that your already in, the one you want to drag myself into. You wont need to drag, ill follow. I feel obsolete in this life, I cant even explain what I have been feeling for the past 3-6 months, this power inside me, wanting to burst, like its time to let the world know of our existence, but I cant yet, not till your with me. Find me....Your so close, I know you are, I can feel it. My dreams....no ..my nightmares are telling me your close, find me.... I don't want to live this existence anymore, I'm ready to go, no not die, but to live. You have no idea how long Ive waited, or maybe you do, maybe you have been waiting longer. How many centuries has this hidden existence of mine been sleeping, how long have you been trying to wake it. have I met you in every life, and not soon enuf if , is that why I'm still repeating this life and death cycle? Sometimes when I think like this, I believe I'm going crazy, but everyday it gets stronger and stronger, deep down to my soul, no even beyond that if there is such a place, i know I'm meant for more then this "human" life. The world is over tomorrow....we don't have many years here left, the humans have ruined there chances, find me before it ends. I can live thru the world ending but I don't want to go thru the world rebuilding as I am now. My heart calls to u, so deeply its become a whisper. When I feel the wind blow suddenly I look around, as if there was a message in it, calling my name that I didn't recognize. When the rain falls now I imagine it the tears that we have felt thrue the centuries of us not being together. When the snow covers the ground, when its all white and pure, I feel like that's the emptiness that we are both feeling. Where are you...why haven't you found me yet? how long do you plan on living your existence without me? Please don't think I'm not ready ,....i am...i really am. Ive saved as much of myself for you, come save me from myself.....

Everything is changing...but you are the truth, my truth. loves have come and gone, hurt me, and been hurt by me....even so this proves more of my sadly lived life here that shouldn't be. Don't get me wrong, there are people in this life that I would die for, that I would do anything for, this is why you need to find me, so I can save them....

Don't worry, I've always remembered what you said to me, even tho i don't remember you, I remember....

"...Don't cry, your not allowed to, its a weakness, you have to be stronger for everyone else, stronger then everyone else...."

"...Don't let anybody kno who you really are, what really is sealed in your soul...that's for us and only us..."

"...don't give yourself to anyone, that's a a sacred right that is for our existence only...."

"....Don't fall in love, its harder to let it go, and it will hurt u, and you become hard. sadly u will be living that life and you will fall in love and u will get hurt, for this I am sorry..."

"And when you feel like your dieing, or that ur existence is meaningless, you will begin to awaken, and that's when I will start searching for you..."


Sadly I did break one of those taboos, I fell in love a few times, I was hurt and I did become hard, tho I never have to worry about falling in love again. I know where my heart goes, I know where its true purpose belongs to.

There isn't anything in this world that I want more then for you to show up at my door. I looked to the skies, to the empty fields to the long roads and feel for your presence, listen for your voice and breath the air for your scent. When , how much longer....I'm sitting in my lil house, on my street,,...alone...always when I'm alone, its you I'm always thinking of. In moments of silence when no one is listening I send a silent prayer that you might hear, and then you will find me. Does my voice reach you, when I laugh can u hear it, when I cry can you feel that pain, for I rarely cry. Can you give me a small hint as to what I can do to help you get closer? Find me.....find me....find me...

there is nothing I want more,

Then for you, to show up and say that you found me....My existance, my life and my soul will finally become one....Find me....Just find me...

VAMPIRE HEART -random Chapter

This is a random chapter from my new book "Vampire Heart". Comment me what you think k! PLease try to ignore grammar and spelling mistakes lol i tried to get them all, thats not really my strong point hehehe, enjoy!



After the fight was over I took large breath to calm my nerves, what had just happened? Lillian had called me on, one of Kaname’s elite guards, and she threatened me, how could she?! And what’s worst off is the fact that when Lillian said she wish she could hit me it was more like a request from Kaname then a bold statement, and he neatly smiled and walked away as if you say it was ok. Who did that guy think he was? So what if he was some sort of a king, he wasn’t MY king! This is the 2000’s no one follows rules by a king anymore. None the less, Lillian understood him and made the swing for my head, I don’t even know how I fought back but I did, ending the fight with her body slammed against the closed door of my bathroom, Probably scared the shit out of whoever was inside. How did I win this though, how did I get an elite guard in my hands, elite huh? What did that actually entitle strength wise? Maybe it’s nothing more than a title for these people. These people.....who are these people...that question again in my mind, I look at kaname’s face for an answer but just as quickly as it surfaces kaname’s face and expression makes it disappear. I turn my attention back to Lillian who is still being held against the door by me.

“I said stop it Lillian, yes these guests are an unexpected invite and really shouldn’t be here, but don’t you dare spill any useless blood in my house, I don’t care how high and mighty you are, and how much you must follow kaname’s direction, this is my house and my city, here we don’t follow kings and such, so therefore if you are in my house you will follow my rule! Are we clear on this” I said while giving her one more little forceful push against the door. Even though I had her in my hands, I fully believed that she could turn this around and kill me within seconds. I did not fear Lillian, not at all, in fact she intrigued me, but the truth be told, it was the man standing behind me, Lillian’s captain, zero and naturally zeros brother, king, Kaname.

“It’s clear, now let me go! “She said while throwing my hand off with an ease. She stepped toward my face, as if to challenge me again. I could see the anger in her eyes, that she had simply just been humiliated by me in front of strangers, her fellow guards, her captain and of course her king. After finally gazing me down for a few more seconds she shoved pass me, hard enough that it hurt my shoulder. What and attitude I thought. This is the kind of people this king has for guards then maybe I’m surprised he is still alive, then again how many fights does he get into. But then there is the question of the 3 intruders, once they saw Kaname they knew who he was and each fell to a knee as one would do when greeting there king. A king...the king of what? I looked up at Kaname, he had this superficial grin on his face, suddenly it made my blood boil, who the hell did he think he was! First trying to court me then allowing his oh so special guard to attack me, not even trying to stop her! What was his issue? I was enraged! How dare he, how dare he play such mind games with me, how dare he think that I would sircome to him ever! I felt like almost growling, but instead I did what I was feeling i had no control over my body, I walked up to him and out of nowhere smacked him across the face.

“You asshole! Who the hell do you think you are! Do you always let your guards go around hitting people? There like your little toys that do whatever the hell you want them to, and more over you allow them to do such horrible things! This elite guard of yours, YOUR elite guard, so what, you’re a king! That doesn’t give you any rite to give order to harm people, and what about these 3 here them bowing down to you suddenly! Why are you still smiling you such an ass!!!”
I felt my fist ball up and swear I was going to punch him, but as my hand went back it never came forward, I realized that zero had grabbed my wrist. And he wasn’t being nice about either. He pulled me so my back landed against his chest then with his one arm holding my wrist in the air he use his other arm and wrapped it around my shoulders, holding me so tight that it hurt. I knew that he wasn’t holding me in a seductive way, this was more of killing way, and I could almost feel the murderous intent in the air. I knew I could never take zero on, never in a million years. He just held me there, everyone stood quiet, and my guests were shocked, my friends were mad and ready to jump them but my eye to eye contact with them told them different. I think they knew just as much as I did full well that these people, these elite guards and there king, could kill us!

It partially happened, I let my guard down to a guy, I let him get into my mind and look what’s happened, I may have pretty much let a group of self absorbed serial killers into my house! I finally could no longer stand the silence and began to speak.

“I bet your just some rich kid, from a wealthy family, always been spoiled , paid these people to be your friends, the older of the 2 between you and zero, you got the family fortune, he got nothing more than to follow you like a lost puppy. I bet your nothing more than a womanizer, thinking you can get any girl you want, sure I’m confused why you wanted me, but maybe that’s your intentions, pick on the weak right. You piss me off, your nothing more than a fake, how did your parents raise you to be such a liar!”

I didn’t know it but I had struck a severe nerve with the brothers, and the rest as well, zero tightened his grip around me, Lillian, rusty, and Michael stared at me with absolute shock, obviously what I had just said was way out of line, which part though? I was getting somewhere; I was getting answers, could I push this a little farther before it got real bad? I never did like the phrase “stop while you’re ahead”, but what about the one “stop before your dead?” I chuckled to myself; I want to know what made them so mad, so I took a guess on the last comment, the parents.

“I’m sorry did I make you all upset, don’t scorn the name of the past king and queen, is that it? Really what kind of parents let their son get such a large head he calls himself a king, and even gets others to call him a king? Were you honestly spoiled that much, And why you the king? Let me guess you were the star son and zero didn’t catch up, that’s why you’re playing king and he is only playing captain, Right zero? Sounds like your parents were simply all about hi-class stuff am I right, show off the better of the 2, some parents. Or is it cause you’re not really fully brothers, you look nothing alike, perhaps the king had some affair with a low life women, resulting in you zero, perhaps you were ignored.... I bet you guys had no idea what love really was....” I couldn’t even finish, I had hit the right chord, maybe a little too much.

“Shut up you worthless girl! You have no idea what you’re talking about! You think that you can slander our parents name like that, claiming they had no love for us, you have no idea what happened, you have no idea what we went thru as children, your clueless, talking like that about pureblood royalties will only get you killed!” zero yelled and he began to put his forearm around my neck. He was slowly cutting off my air. Again my friend wanted to jump him but I looked at them again with eyes that said don’t you dare, he will kill all of us. I truly had opened a Pandora’s Box upon the people in my house.

“Zero....let her go...” Kaname said to break the thickened silence, zero immediately release me from his grip and just in time for i was nearly passing out. I coughed a little and looked around, my friends and guests had horrible looks on their faces, and the guards were all standing firm ready to jump at any time. I remembered that Kaname had his katana with him, where was it now I wondered, did he bring it in here for a reason. I realized then that perhaps I did go a little too far, and now everyone was in danger. For some reason though I didn’t care, I didn’t know how I could be so heartless but I wanted to know everything about Kaname, his brother and the people they surround themselves with. And most of all, why they call him there king. Kaname interrupted my deep interrogated thought and forcibly grabbed my arm, he jerked me towards him so I landed face first into his chest, he then took 2 steps and opened the door to my bedroom, swung me around and threw me inside of it and stood in the door way, staring me down. This wasn’t good, his smile was gone, he was very unhappy, the only human in this world I truly feared was him, and I had purposely pissed him off.
“Zero ...”
“Sir?”
“You will not let anyone enter this room while I’m in here, is that understood?” he said while staring at me. He was putting a guard at the door? Wait Kaname was going to lock him and me in here...together? Oh this really wasn’t good, not at all, did I piss him off that much? Was he going to hurt me, rape me? Kill me? NOW was the time I wanted one of my friends to call the police, but I knew those damn guards would never allow it, even without giving a single order Kaname and them all thought alike and followed everything Kaname tells them.

“sire, or course sir, I won’t let anyone disturb you” zero said as he looked at me with a satisfying look, as if to say, you’re getting what you deserve wench. And with that he closed the door on me and Kaname. Kaname took a step towards me, not uttering a word, my room was small, and so I was already up against my bed. With only a few more steps we were face to face, even though he was nearly a whole foot taller them me, I didn’t take my eyes off of his. Even though I was scared beyond compare, I wasn’t going to show him that. He had shown me nothing but kindness up to this point, but everyone knows there are 2 sides to each fence, I guess I had always been on the nice newly painted clean side, only god knew what was on the other, maybe this even had nothing to do with god anymore.

Next thing I knew I was shoved onto the bed, it was such a shock that I couldn’t even try not to fall and landed on my back, suddenly Kaname was leaning over me, straddling me, one leg between mine, he forcefully grabbed both my hands with just his one and forcefully held them above my head, his strength was un match able, I couldn’t believe something like this was happening to me. I could hear my friends outside the door begging zero to let them in, I could tell he didn’t have to say anything to them to let them know his answer. This was really really bad, I needed to fight, I knew that, I needed to get away but my body was being held down, no my body was frozen, as much as I knew I had to get out of there, my body wasn’t responding, what was he thinking, I could never tell what he was thinking, I could only hope that it was something that wouldn’t hurt me. He brought his face to mine, his dark eyes staring at my eyes, no not at them, more like thru them, rich kid, king or personality complex, it didn’t matter, this guy had power that I was sure of. His lips were so close to mine, close enough that all I had to do was almost breath and they would touch, thank god I was to afraid to even take a breath at that moment.

“Your rather brave girl, first attempting a fight with Lillian, then insulting zero and myself while zero his holding you, and more over making a bad name on our parents. That’s the thing about you foolish people, you never think before you speak. If I was you, I would be careful what grounds you’re treading on, you never know who the land belongs to. “

“ Kaname, I never called Lillian on, I asked her to leave those guests alone, she didn’t listen and was going to attack them, you were going to let her, I had to do something.” I was ok, I was keeping my cool, and Conversation was the best answer to this problem right now.

“Those guests were uninvited and the guards job was not to let anyone in the house that wasn’t invited in, those were your words to them. They acknowledged that and followed through.”

“I never said I wanted people killed, and over all they knew who you were but she was still going to hurt them, and when I tried to stop her all she wanted to do was to hit me.....and you.....and you......and you let her, you allowed her to attack me, what’s wrong with you?”

I was getting all boiled up again, I was getting mad, mad at him for allowing it, mad at him for making me feel safe and then not, mad at him for him being able to attack my straight sense of thinking.


“Susan....you couldn’t of hurt Lillian in the least bit, and frankly she could’ve snapped you like a twig, but she knew what she was doing, she let you win, she knew there was nothing more she could do, she would never be allowed to harm you. THAT was MY orders, regardless of that, you stepped over when you spoke of my family in such a disrespectable manner, you should truly get your facts straight, or maybe not speak from emotions. You’ve sort of upset me.....and now here you are being pinned to your bed by my body and you’re trembling ever so slightly. I must say I become more and fonder of you every day, you never seize to amaze me, but you actually have the power to upset me, how intriguing. I hope it’s not a death wish you have fore I would be sad to lose such a charismatic one such as yourself.”

“Kaname...I’m sorry I never meant to make you Mad., it’s just...It was like you didn’t care that she attacked me, like it was sport for you to watch. I’m sorry I disrespected your family, i needed to get answers, get some sort of rise out of you so what is it you want me to think, you’re a man claiming to be a king with a 3 guards and a prince for a captain, these things don’t happen. why would you let that happen, me attacking Lillian, I don’t even like violence and to be honest that’s like the real first fight I’ve even been in and I didn’t even truly win if she gave up on her own. Why are you playing this mind game with me, I rather you just leave me alone if that’s the case, I won’t be one of your toys.”

“HAHA oh Susan, there is so much you need not to know, not yet anyways, you have to admit, this all has made this night very interesting wouldn’t you say. And I promise you my dear I am not playing mind games with you. You yourself are turning it into that. And I assure you I am a king and zero is a prince and those guards out there could kill and army of 300 men in minutes, so best not to temper them. “

I lied there silent, staring at him, was he telling the truth, were they THAT dangerous, to honestly be able to kill, and to kill that many in one shot, well, there is no way they could be ....human.... I was no longer intrigued; i was petrified, i wanted out of the room, out of that house right then.

I could feel myself wanting to cry, but i held it in. I felt like i was a little puppy, being trained by a cruel master, this wasn’t fair, i hated him, but even as i thought that, it didn’t stop kaname’s lips from suddenly pressing against mine. He forced his tongue into my mouth and against my better judgement my tongue answered to his. Why was i doing this, why was i allowing him to keep toying with me, like a damn puppet on a string. He continued to hold my arms with one hand, while the other suddenly made its way to the bottom edge of my shirt. He wasn’t thinking anything crazy I hope. I couldn’t even get another thought in when suddenly his hand was on my skin, his whole hand caressing my side. To my shock, his hands were freezing, as if they had just come out of the freezer. I took in a sharp breath, that area was sensitive enough even without cold hands.

“Kaname....your hand is freezing, it’s like you just walked in from playing in snow....”
“Is that so, my apologies for not warning you, but I think this way it makes you more agitated don’t you think...”

He returned his lips to mine, his hand ever so slowly caressing my bare skin, his hand never got warmer and the Goosebumps never went away. He loosened his grip on my hands and I freed one, but instead of what I wanted it to do (push him off) it went to his side and clung to his shirt under his open coat. His tongue continued to explore the inner depth of my mouth, and my body began to respond in the way I never wanted it to do. Even though his hand was freezing, my body was boiling. Was he a true king, a real name or royalty, and was I really making out with him? One of my friends yelling my name outside brought me back down to earth, what was i doing, i was playing right into his little game. I hated him, more now than ever, I pulled my face from his.

“Kaname, get off, I won’t let you mess with my mind like this, I told you before no guy has ever brought me down to that standard and you won’t be the first, rich kid or king, it don’t matter you’re not going to get to me. “ I said while now staring him in the eyes.

“is that so, then tell me Susan, why is your heart pounding forcefully fast in your chest, and why is your breathing shallow and quickened, and why does your blood.....yes your blood flow hot and furiously through your veins. I can hear it all, I can feel it all, it plainly makes you more and more irresistible to me, and it also says that you’re clearly enjoying this.” He said with a smirk, and almost evil smirk. Hear my heart? Here my blood? Who, no what was this guy.

“...get off....get off Kaname, I don’t want to do this anymore, get off of me, I’m not going to submit to someone like you, GET OFF!!” I was so shocked at my yelling at him that I didn’t realize he got off, when I did notice he was fixing his shirt from where I had griped it, when did I let go? I just lied there almost exhausted from everything that had happened in the past 20 minutes, this was almost too much. I finally sat up, almost feeling light headed.

“For the record Susan to clear a few things up, mainly just so zero doesn’t rip your head off...” I suddenly caught my breath...Can’t say I liked the way he said that, I knew it was true.
“Our parents are dead, both of them were murdered by a friend of the family, sadly both zero and I were there to witness it, and when he came after us next....well....that’s all you need to know”

I stared at him in disbelief, was he serious, murdered, in front of them, they were also attacked, was he lying...no I could tell by the sudden distasteful look on his face he wasn’t lying, not at all. I suddenly felt like the biggest piece of trash. He was right I should have thought before I spoke. How awful to lose both your parents to murder and to have it done in front of you though that might explain his dark interior. None the less, I knew I had stepped way over the line, and as much as I hated to do so, I owed him and zero both one hell of an apology.

“I’m sorry Kaname, I mean I’m so sorry, I truly had no idea....I...I have no idea what to say, I went too far, I was just uptight about you letter Lillian attack me..And...And....”

“I never expected you to sircome to my sort of will Susan, thats why I like you, you’re the rare type of girl who isn’t easily mislead and your not weak, but I myself don’t tell lies my dear, and everything I tell you is the truth, there for yes, I will except your apology but even as un-sircoming you are, please believe the words that come out of my mouth, are were understood?”

I looked at him for a moment, this man, this man in front of me, it’s like he had the powers of a god, the looks of an angel and the eyes of a demon and the motives of a devil. Who was I to him, what was i to him. Then i remembered something that zero had said...pure-blooded royalties...what was that.

“Kaname, a question....what did zero mean by pure-blooded royalties, what is it your king of, can you please help me understand that?” This time i said it while gripping his arm, his face suddenly turned gentle and he smiled, kneeled down to my level and spoke.

“He never meant anything by it, pureblood most likely just meant that were of hire status that’s all, and as for king, well, that’s simple, I’m king of my people that’s that. We don’t own any land or country, we just own ourselves, and to me they are all devoted.”

“But why, how can you have a king with no kingdom and people with no place, I’m so confused...”
He made a little chuckle and stood up, placing his hand on my head and ruffling with my hair.

“maybe someday I will explain it all to you, come lets return to the party, your friends and guests are giving my grumpy brother a hard time, and he is impossible to deal with when he is cranky like that.”

And just like that Kaname walked out the door, the same old sweet and gentle Kaname i had known before, but now, who was this dark and mysterious Kaname, this one who threatened my essence, this one who made my blood boil, and this one who made me frightened? As my friends all rushed in to see if i was still breathing, I just stared at him while he conversed with zero, who was King Kaname Kurgan, and what was I to him?


END

Hedley

This was my 4th Hedley Concert this year, it was by far the best of em! I love these guys! Tommy <3

Stay out of the dark

If you think I don't understand the pain u have gone thru, u are greatly mistaken. I shall understand more then anyone. True I have not endured such a situation that you have brought upon yourself, but my pain can easily equal yours, if not be greater. Maybe its also just my own state of mind, but then again, you have NO IDEA of the darkness that lies within my heart.

Hmm funny , I think up until now I have been displaying my heart as lonely or sad, That can't be anymore wrong. My mother said something to me the other day that made me stop and think, and how right she really was. "You understand the darkness, the dark part of everything, you relate to it where others cant or are afraid to" is what she said. I don't think she could be more right. All my life I ask myself who am I and whats my purpose. For some reason I feel like my days are coming to a close, but there not going to end. Its funny to say, but I feel as if a new life for me will start, on a level that no human brain or heart can actually comprehend. I love blogging, it lets me explain things to myself in writing that I find to hard to discuss with those I Love, for I know deep down, I think they fear me, and to be honest I think they believe me when I say such things, but refuse to accept it. I've decided I don't want to die, and from this point I actually no longer wish to age, I wanna stay where I am now. The things I have felt and seen thru life so far, this life, and the past ones, I don't wish to die and just re-live them all over again. Im so self centered to say this, but my life is important, to who I don't know yet, but I don't believe I shud be given death. I want to carry what I have seen, felt and learned thru the next 100 years, and even the next 100 after that, and all the way into forever, yes, many of these memories pain me, but I see death as just an easy way out to finally be free of them. Maybe....maybe I don't want to be free. The funny thing is, I believe I like the pain and suffering I get to endure, it helps me relate to what others feel. I smile to everyone, and I usually mean it, but even when I smile and I laugh, I can feel that lil whisper of the demon in me that hates when i feel happy. Ive come to the conclusion, and my friend Sam is mainly the only one i think who really understands this, I believe there is 3 souls, or beings within me. There is myself, as I am now. and then there is one that is angry, always angry, and uses my emotions to his benefit, for when im angry, its like he wants to be thrown from my body and rip the world apart. Then there is sorrow, i don't kno how to explain her, she is the part of me that feels sad and lonely, but none the less, she is also angry, I can relate to her well. I Don't wish to part from my demons, so many people feel there uneasy side and do things to try to release themselves from it. I do not wish to.....I wonder why...

The darkness in my heart......

Its funny but even if you say you understand it, i really do believe you have no idea, no idea of what im capable of and what i truly see and feel. Where there is beauty I can see darkness, where there is darkness I can feel understanding. How does one person, come to grips of who they are, without loosing there mind in doing so. I believe that I'm a mystery,I believe that soon, everyone will find out that I'm a mystery, and try to solve me. Naturally I would never allow that to happen, and I would move on, maybe that's sad to say that I may be leaving everyone I love in the distance. I guess that's the curse of the ones born from darkness.

Born from darkness....

Maybe that's the answer, as to why i feel the way i do about everything. I wonder, which of the 3 souls was first born, not that it matters, my anger side, my lonely side are leveled by my own soul, this ive come to understand, there fore they stand as one. So no matter what all 3 are dark. Loneliness is a shadow to the anger, and in the dark no shadow can live without some light,that's where my soul comes in, to keep from being completely swallowed by darkness, so I still can carry on with my humanity.

The darkness of humanity.....

Human.....I hate that word.....i hate humans, there horrible creatures, selfish , barbaric, cruel, judgemental. So many words out there. As funny as it may sound, (as if this whole blog isn't weird enuf) i feel like my 3 souls are not human, I've always felt non human, dont ask me what i think i am cause truly i have no idea. All i know is, i don't believe I'm human. You would think that as I get older, these ideas, and strange theories wud disperse from my mind, and yet they cling and get much more stronger every day! The more i grow the more i think about it the more i feel that soon, very soon, the great truth i seek, the Truth that my souls reach for, the truth, that will define who, or what I am, is soon to be found. Maybe others feel the way I do, maybe everyone does, and I am just human after all, but if that's the case, then why cant they all talk about it, no one does, no one asks help to seek out the truth to what they are. I do, maybe that's why I'm writing this, i truly do live in a imaginative world....

Things we Imagine are not the things that we make up......but the things we have truly experienced, whether in this life or the past.

That quote makes sudden much sense to me. Maybe like the things i read and see, the fairy tales the scary stories, maybe....there true......and maybe ...the right person will read this.....and maybe the right person will understand, and maybe just maybe the right person, Will kno what I am, and seek to find me, and maybe that person.....will give me what it is I long for.....more then anyone can well imagine...

You will never understand the darkness in my heart.....

Believe in me... not because you want to....., but because I need you to. I am now and I am forever........Follow to where I seek. I am immortal..... Eternal.....
Some how, I kno im not human, Some how I am never ending and the day I see this truth, so will u, and finally it is me you will seek..

Real or fake..

the new famous quote from my friend Zainab...


"I faked it cause I care for you"


"I can't orgasim under all this pressure..."