Stay out of the dark

If you think I don't understand the pain u have gone thru, u are greatly mistaken. I shall understand more then anyone. True I have not endured such a situation that you have brought upon yourself, but my pain can easily equal yours, if not be greater. Maybe its also just my own state of mind, but then again, you have NO IDEA of the darkness that lies within my heart.

Hmm funny , I think up until now I have been displaying my heart as lonely or sad, That can't be anymore wrong. My mother said something to me the other day that made me stop and think, and how right she really was. "You understand the darkness, the dark part of everything, you relate to it where others cant or are afraid to" is what she said. I don't think she could be more right. All my life I ask myself who am I and whats my purpose. For some reason I feel like my days are coming to a close, but there not going to end. Its funny to say, but I feel as if a new life for me will start, on a level that no human brain or heart can actually comprehend. I love blogging, it lets me explain things to myself in writing that I find to hard to discuss with those I Love, for I know deep down, I think they fear me, and to be honest I think they believe me when I say such things, but refuse to accept it. I've decided I don't want to die, and from this point I actually no longer wish to age, I wanna stay where I am now. The things I have felt and seen thru life so far, this life, and the past ones, I don't wish to die and just re-live them all over again. Im so self centered to say this, but my life is important, to who I don't know yet, but I don't believe I shud be given death. I want to carry what I have seen, felt and learned thru the next 100 years, and even the next 100 after that, and all the way into forever, yes, many of these memories pain me, but I see death as just an easy way out to finally be free of them. Maybe....maybe I don't want to be free. The funny thing is, I believe I like the pain and suffering I get to endure, it helps me relate to what others feel. I smile to everyone, and I usually mean it, but even when I smile and I laugh, I can feel that lil whisper of the demon in me that hates when i feel happy. Ive come to the conclusion, and my friend Sam is mainly the only one i think who really understands this, I believe there is 3 souls, or beings within me. There is myself, as I am now. and then there is one that is angry, always angry, and uses my emotions to his benefit, for when im angry, its like he wants to be thrown from my body and rip the world apart. Then there is sorrow, i don't kno how to explain her, she is the part of me that feels sad and lonely, but none the less, she is also angry, I can relate to her well. I Don't wish to part from my demons, so many people feel there uneasy side and do things to try to release themselves from it. I do not wish to.....I wonder why...

The darkness in my heart......

Its funny but even if you say you understand it, i really do believe you have no idea, no idea of what im capable of and what i truly see and feel. Where there is beauty I can see darkness, where there is darkness I can feel understanding. How does one person, come to grips of who they are, without loosing there mind in doing so. I believe that I'm a mystery,I believe that soon, everyone will find out that I'm a mystery, and try to solve me. Naturally I would never allow that to happen, and I would move on, maybe that's sad to say that I may be leaving everyone I love in the distance. I guess that's the curse of the ones born from darkness.

Born from darkness....

Maybe that's the answer, as to why i feel the way i do about everything. I wonder, which of the 3 souls was first born, not that it matters, my anger side, my lonely side are leveled by my own soul, this ive come to understand, there fore they stand as one. So no matter what all 3 are dark. Loneliness is a shadow to the anger, and in the dark no shadow can live without some light,that's where my soul comes in, to keep from being completely swallowed by darkness, so I still can carry on with my humanity.

The darkness of humanity.....

Human.....I hate that word.....i hate humans, there horrible creatures, selfish , barbaric, cruel, judgemental. So many words out there. As funny as it may sound, (as if this whole blog isn't weird enuf) i feel like my 3 souls are not human, I've always felt non human, dont ask me what i think i am cause truly i have no idea. All i know is, i don't believe I'm human. You would think that as I get older, these ideas, and strange theories wud disperse from my mind, and yet they cling and get much more stronger every day! The more i grow the more i think about it the more i feel that soon, very soon, the great truth i seek, the Truth that my souls reach for, the truth, that will define who, or what I am, is soon to be found. Maybe others feel the way I do, maybe everyone does, and I am just human after all, but if that's the case, then why cant they all talk about it, no one does, no one asks help to seek out the truth to what they are. I do, maybe that's why I'm writing this, i truly do live in a imaginative world....

Things we Imagine are not the things that we make up......but the things we have truly experienced, whether in this life or the past.

That quote makes sudden much sense to me. Maybe like the things i read and see, the fairy tales the scary stories, maybe....there true......and maybe ...the right person will read this.....and maybe the right person will understand, and maybe just maybe the right person, Will kno what I am, and seek to find me, and maybe that person.....will give me what it is I long for.....more then anyone can well imagine...

You will never understand the darkness in my heart.....

Believe in me... not because you want to....., but because I need you to. I am now and I am forever........Follow to where I seek. I am immortal..... Eternal.....
Some how, I kno im not human, Some how I am never ending and the day I see this truth, so will u, and finally it is me you will seek..

Real or fake..

the new famous quote from my friend Zainab...


"I faked it cause I care for you"


"I can't orgasim under all this pressure..."